Crazy Hockey Mom of 3

8.8 miles yesterday!

2011-02-18T04:50:00.000-08:00

It's been tough training for this half because I can only run once a week. My feet can't take more than that. They need the recovery days! The race is next weekend and I only have one more day of running to prepare!!!!

I am hoping to run (I say run but it's really a run/walk combo) 11.5 miles on Monday or Tuesday and then I'll have the race on Sunday morning. I just want to be able to complete in less than 3 hours and feel somewhat confident I will.

Prepping for the Half

2011-01-31T08:38:00.001-08:00

So I did great this morning. Went to the YMCA at 5:30 after dropping Cody of at early morning hockey practice and did an hour of nautilus and weights. Three sets of 10-12 reps doing 12 different exerices. After dropping Rylee off to school, I went back to the Y and ran 2 miles in less than 22 minutes followed by spinning where I did 17 miles in 45 minutes. After that I jumped into the pool and did 12 laps in 22 minutes.

Procrastinating Princess

2011-01-16T04:28:00.000-08:00

I am procrastinating. Right now, right this minute, I am supposed to be running/walking part of the 6 miles I committed to doing this morning. At 7:00. It's now 7:30. I'm sitting at the computer writing this entry rather than just getting my fatass out there in the freezing wind to begin my half marathon training. Technically, it began two weeks ago but after two days of following the training schedule I created for myself, I got the stomach bug which lasted three days and then I could feel the beginning of plantar fascitis kicking in. That gave me something I didn't realize I wanted...my excuse set to NOT train. I've done nothing since. But that changes today - I HOPE!

To the Man You Would Have Been

2010-11-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

While lying in bed drifting off to sleep, I find myself thinking of you, again. Just like so many times on so many days throughout the year, but especially today. Every November 10th for the past 15 years. The thoughts I have this November 10th are different than usual though. I always think of the guy you were: the great, fun-loving, stubborn, competitive, well-rounded, super funny brother that I love so much.

This year, for some reason, my thoughts are consumed with the man you would have been. The uncle you would have been. The husband you would have been. And the amazing father you would have been.

This year I'm wondering what your trade would be, what truck you would drive, where you would be raising your family, what your house would look like, and how many times you would be here at home with us each year. I wonder if there would be family hunting trips, summer vacations, Thanksgiving dinners, and fight to the end Scrabble matches.

This year I'm wondering if you would be meeting Ronnie for opening day on Saturday, heading up to the Deerfield with Roger every spring, or fishing the Hoosac with Travis. I wonder if you would, every once in a while, have an all night poker game with all your high school buddies and if you would still be lucky like you were way back when.

This year my thoughts are somewhat selfish because I think about the brother you would be to me now. The sister-in-law I would have. The nieces and nephews I would have. And the cousins that Molly, Cody, Rylee, Josh, and Madelyn would love so much.

This year, instead of memories of who you were, I have images of who you would have been and this year, I miss that man more than ever.

"It rains the hardest on the people who deserve the most sunshine."

2010-10-27T07:58:00.001-07:00

Struggling today but know that I will be fine. Gave myself four things to accomplish today and will start with another four tomorrow.

Inching My Way Back to Normal

2010-07-20T04:10:00.000-07:00

I have felt, for a long time now, that I am just not where I need to be or doing what I need to be doing. I have felt like there is something missing. Like I don't belong. I am not used to feeling that way. I have always been secure with everything in my life. Every decision, every move, every detail. I never second guess myself or wonder if I made the right choices. If I am not secure with something, I address it and move on.

So these feelings of missing something, of not belonging, of questioning my life, are completely new to me. Especially when everything in my life seems to be on the right track. The kids re doing well (in fact, they are just awesome and I am so lucky to have such great kids), I am working towards my masters, work is alright, the house and yard are in order, and we finally have sleeping arrangements that work for all of us. So what is up with these feelings of insecurity?

I have made so many changes in the last few years that are good, but along the way I feel as though I lost who I am. Not in a bad way, just in a different way. I figure I am growing and morphing into someone new that I don't really know yet and it will just take some time to realize who the new me is. But maybe that is wrong. Maybe I am just not taking the time to do the things that make me who I am, or have always been.

Cody and I took a ride with a good friend to her house in Heath on Friday night. I was in the passenger seat so I was able to look around and observe the area. An area that I forgot how much I love. As we drove along Route 2, winding our way back and forth along the Deerfield River, I could look up and see the spectacular contrast of the river running deep in the valley of mountains. It brought me back in time and that felt good.

Then on Sunday the kids and I and some friends headed back up to the Deerfield to go tubing. It was an awesome afternoon, and weekend, and a sweet reminder that I need to take time for the things that I enjoy....which will get me back to where I need to be.

Birthday Wishes

2010-07-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Another year has come and gone without you by our sides

Missing you every day but especially today on your birthday

...and especially this week when the raw memories are heightened by Jacob's death and burial

Emotionally Charged Week

2010-07-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

The death of a teenager is heart-wrenching.

The death of teenager at his own hands is heart-wrenching.

The death of teenager who is a classmate to my daughter is heart-wrenching.

The death of a family friend's grandson is heart-wrenching.

The death of friend's best friend's son is heart-wrenching.

The death of a relative to many people we know is heart-wrenching.

The death of a 15 year old who writes "Goodbye" on his Facebook page is haunting.

For the life of me, I can not stop thinking about this boy and his family.

Only the Good Die Young

2010-04-23T07:36:00.001-07:00

I am overcome with such raw sadness. Another young, bright, well-rounded, and gorgeous kid has died from our area. I didn't know him and I don't know his family but it still breaks my heart that his life was so abruptly halted. I feel such empathy for his parents who are probably in a state of disbelief. It brings me back to my brother's death and the pain and heartbreak of losing someone so awesome. I am sick to my stomach imagining how it must feel to lose your child.

This tragedy has been on the minds of so many. Every conversation, with every person I have talked with since yesterday involved talk about this kid, the accident, his parents, etc. Through all those conversations, I have talked and listened without ever shedding a tear. Until now. Now I just looked up the RIP site on facebook for him and now it brings a reality to it. You see pictures of him at a track meet, at a dance, with friends. There's even a comment from him on one of the pictures. Now it is real. This was a real kid, with real parents, who had the whole world before him. Now the tears are flowing, my heart is breaking, and the question of WHY is repeating itself in my head.

Saying Goodbye, Again

2010-04-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

You would think that after 10 years of hockey, this time of year would get easier for me and the kids. The time of year I am referring to isn't spring but the end of our hockey season. Our last game was on Sunday. I write that with the heaviest of heart.

The game itself was incredible. It was the championship game (in our division), the kids played together as a team, they played hard the entire game, the score was back and forth, and our superstarts eventually won it in the last 18 seconds of the game. There were unfair calls, a few punches thrown, a player ejected and his mother getting heckled by the ref. Heck, Molly even got into a tumble during the game and only stopped when a couple of teammates broke it up and held her back. It was awesome!

But that hockey game was the end. The end of being intertwined with these families that we have seen four or five days a week since September. The end of Bantam hockey. The end of this group of kids and this group of familes.

We still have the two more hockey events before the season officially ends. We have the Falcons game on Friday where the team will be honored between periods, and we still have the end of year banquet. By then, though, the kids will be already focused on spring sports like lacrosse and baseball and us parents will be "catching up" rather than being fully engulfed with each other's lives.

I think the real dread I feel is the fact that this is the last year of a full season hockey team for my kids. They move up to Midget level next year which is a split season because of high school hockey. High school hockey means a whole different level of hockey that I'm just not ready for....not today anyway. Today, I want this season to remain, I want the kids to stop growing older, and I want Rylee to start playing so I can get 10 more years of Black Bears Hockey!

Saying Goodbye to Ben

2009-12-18T02:35:00.000-08:00

As I stood near the swinging door into the hockey rink, I looked out across the ice to the group of spectators standing near the zamboni doors. It was the third period of the high school hockey game and the group of about 10 familiar faces were obviously very excited about the goalie that had just skated across the ice to assume his position. This was his first hockey game, ever. A couple of the people were taking pictures with their cell phones, a few had huge smiles on their faces, and I could see the jokester of the group saying something that had the rest of them cracking up. I imagine it was some kind of comment about how frightened the first-time goalie may be.

Seeing the camaraderie of this group put a smile on my face. It warmed my heart to see such enjoyment and ease between them, especially since my kids were a part of it. These are people that have, in a wonderful way, become a part of my life as a hockey mom in this rink. And as quickly as that smile naturally formed at my lips, tears sprung to my eyes. I was caught off-guard by the stinging in my throat and the welled up eyelids. Seeing the group made me happy but at the same time, it hit me that this would be the very last time I would see this group together like that. You see, one person standing there leaning against the glass, intently watching the game, and keeping everyone laughing with his spot-on humor, is leaving.

I can't recall when exactly Ben became such an important part of our rink life but I do know that over the past five years that he has worked at the rink, his interaction with my family has evolved into something that the kids and I will not soon forget. And all four of us are going to miss him. Especially Cody and Rylee.

Rylee, who at five years old doesn't know life without the hockey rink and Ben, flirts, teases, kicks, hugs, scares, and harasses poor Ben every time he is there. Some of the first words she learned to spell and write were: Ben, is, a, and baby. She has mastered drawing spiders just to scare him. She can get close to him by pretending to want a hug and then haul off and kick him before running quickly away, hysterically laughing and amused by her own trickery. And she has made sure that as long has Ben has his blue coat, he will never forget her since she streaked the back shoulder of it with a glue stick. Rylee, who has a huge spirit and loves with all her heart and soul, is definitely going to feel a hole when he's gone. I feel quite confident, that with her memory, she will be telling "Ben" stories well into her teenage years. He's been that much a part of her young life.

Cody, who some swear lives at the rink, is really going to miss Ben. Again, I can't recall when exactly they became such good "friends", or whatever it should be called, but I have to say that he enjoys listening to Ben's stories and receiving his own dose of harassment from him. Ben has really been somewhat of a Big Brother to Cody. He has taken him to a couple of River Rats games, harasses the crap out of him, embarrasses him (or tries to), wrestles with him, and throws insult left and right. But Cody loves it and I know that although he isn't showing it, he's upset that Ben's time at the rink is coming to an end way too quickly.

To be honest, it's coming to an end too quickly for many of us.

Never Forgotten

2009-11-10T03:41:00.000-08:00

There are a handful of days or events from my past where I remember every detail of where I was, how I was feeling, who was there, what was said, etc. When recalling the memories, I sometimes feel the same excitement, fear, sadness, or happiness just as if the day were repeating itself in the here and now. My wedding, the birth of each of my children, the explosion of the Space Shuttle Challenger, the shooting of President Reagan, the shootings at Columbine, and of course 9/11.

November 10th, 1995 is one of those days. A day that I vividly remember everything that happened the entire day, the entire night, the entire weekend, and the entire week that followed.

I worked that day but left early because I hadn't felt any movement from the baby that was a week overdue. My mother picked me up when she got out of work at 3:00 to bring me to the hospital so they could check on things. The nurse reassured me that the baby was very active and everything was fine. So we left, I dropped my mother off at her house since I was using her car (my brother had borrowed mine for a few weeks and my husband worked 2nd shift so he had our truck), I picked up Molly from daycare, and we went home.

After I fed her, played with her, bathed her, read to her, and put her to bed, I sat on the rocking chair in my living room surprised that I was still awake. I remembered that my brother hadn't called me back the night before like he said he was going to so I figured I'd give him a call. I got his answering machine and left a message. I didn't have anything important to discuss with him and we talked four or five times a week, even though it was long distance, and I was bored.

After reading the paper I went to bed and fell right asleep. A little while the phone next to my bed rang. Still asleep, I picked up and said hello. My mother was on the other end and asked me if I could bring her car to her. Obviously, I was quite confused as to why she needed her car all of a sudden but she just kept telling me that she wanted me to bring it over to her. Knowing something was wrong, I finally just asked her what was going on. That was when she broke down and said that my brother Bryan had been killed in a car accident.

I remember feeling the stinging in my nose as the tears welled up in my eyes. I remember feeling my stomach drop. I remember questioning "what?", and then "how", and "when". I remember saying "oh my god, oh my god" and then I remember thinking that I had to get control of myself and saying and repeating "I can't think about this right now" to which my mother replied "no Shelley, you need to". I asked if she had called my father and she said yes. I told her I'd be right over.

I hung up from her and called my father but neither one of us could say anything. I finally just said that I would see him at my mother's house. Then I called my husband's work. His supervisor answered the phone and I asked for Duane. He was all excited and asked me if I was having the baby to which I replied "No, but it's really important". He quickly got Duane and I told him the news and said that I would meet him at my mother's house. Before I had time to process anymore, I called my best friend. The first thing she asked me was if I was having the baby. I told her no and then told her that Bryan had died.

I grabbed Molly from her crib and loaded her and a bag of clothes into the car. I remember driving up Curran Highway and staring off into the fields wishing it were all a dream. I met up with everyone at the house. Within the hour the house was full of aunts, uncles, and close family friends. My mother was rightfully distraught. My father was withdrawn. My husband was quiet. And I was in the bedroom trying desperately to reach my sister. She lived in Maryland I knew that trying to reach her on a Friday night was going to be tough. In between phone calls to her answering machine and friends of friends that might know where she was, I was calling the airlines to book a flight for the next morning.

When I wasn't talking to her friends, or the airlines, I was trying to reach the police department in Rochester, NY that handled the accident. I wanted, or needed, to know what had happened. "Had he been drinking?" was the question that I really wanted to know (another day I may post why that was so important to me). It took many calls, many of which were 911 operators, before I was finally able to speak to an officer that had been at the scene. His assumption was that Bryan had been hunting and may have fallen asleep at the wheel. There were no other cars involved. I didn't ask details about the accident, probably because I was somewhat relieved that alcohol may not have been involved.

At some point during the night I was finally able to speak with Jessica. While talking with her, I realized why my mother had tried to get me to come to her house when she had called me earlier, she didn't want to give that kind of news over the phone, and I felt the same way. By the time I exited from the bedroom, most of our friends and relatives had left. I went to bed and tried to sleep, not too successfully.

Before daybreak, while still lying awake in bed I remember thinking "opening day". It was the first day of deer season in Vermont and it just didn't seem right that Bryan would never hunt again.

My parents went to the airport that day. Hearing my mother bawl while taking a shower was excrutiating. A few more people stopped by the house. Relatives, close friends who heard from friends, the funeral director. I went to Walmart to buy paper plates, knapkins, coffee. I ran into my mother's neighbor who was surprised to see that I was still pregnant. She had assumed that with all the cars and activity at the house that I had had the baby. "No, no baby yet". It was becoming an automatic response.

I slept a little better that night. Woke up at 5:00 with contractions. Knowing that it would be hours before the baby would come, I didn't say anything to my husband so he could go hunting for a few hours. I kept the pains to myself over the next couple of hours until my parents left for the funeral parlor so they could make all the arrangements and pick out a casket. The obituary ran in the Sunday paper so more people came by the house, mostly friends of my father's. I tried to play hostess but it was getting more and more difficult with the contractions increasing, both in frequency and pain. My friend Sue stopped by with a plate of food and she took over my hostesting duties. I remember sitting on the corner of the couch, tryint to focus on what my long lost uncle was trying to say to me but thinking "oh my god, will you just shut the hell up, do I look like I care about your stupid story". He had no clue.

The contractions were getting pretty painful so I tried walking them off a little but that just increased the pain and decreased the time between them so I sat back down. Soon my parents got home. My father panicked when he saw that I was in labor. He went in search of my husband, who was still hunting. I wasn't worried, I knew he'd be back soon, he never stayed in the woods that long. He was an amateur.

The television was on and I started to watch the Dolphins vs Patriot game. Once they got back, we headed to the hospital. ALL OF US. My mother, my father, my husband, my friend Sue. The nurse was not happy to have all those people in the room, especially my father who was going through all the cabinets, trying on safety glasses, or my husband who was turning the tv to the football game. She tried to tell him that it was my day and he should not worry about the game to which he replied "she told me to put the game on".

Soon the doctor came in to check on my progress. He broke my water and told me that the baby would be coming within the next hour. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl but we were all, quietly thinking to ourselves that it would be a boy. And it was.

Wordless Wednesday: Hangin Around

2009-10-21T07:41:00.001-07:00

Welcome Home

2009-10-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

The first night of hockey practice at our rink a few weeks ago felt good. I quickly scanned the chaos as I walked through the large doors. A group of parents who probably hadn't seen each other since March were catching up. A few of the older, now much taller, Bantams were horsing around and teasing each other. Three hockey dads, whose kids are new to our league were conversing, probably dissing the program they left. A steady line of traffic was in and out at the Skate Shop, getting new socks, new mouth guards, skates sharpened, and looking through a large box of equipment, hoping to find pants or shoulder pads that fit better than the ones currently tossed beside their worn out hockey bags. One hockey mom, with her now walking toddler, was opening up the snack bar ready to brew the first of many, many pots of coffee this season.

Looking around gave me a small jolt of excitement but that small jolt failed in comparison to the feeling I got on Sunday morning. It was the first game and it was a home game. As I climbed the bleachers, with Rylee by my side, I felt a wave of pure happiness rush through my heart. I am not sure if it was the excitement of watching the kids play again. Or the anticipation of seeing how this group of kids play as a team under a new head coach. Or seeing new faces scattered among faces that I have known for years and years. Or just that I LOVE HOCKEY so much but it was definite happiness. And it felt great to be among these people, at this rink, watching these kids play hockey.

A fellow hockey mom must have been feeling it too because I heard her say "it's like we're back at our second home". So true! ........and there is absolutely no place else I'd rather be.

Wordless Wednesday: Archery with the Girls

2009-10-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

Floating Along With a Little Help

2009-08-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

I never saw myself here. To be honest, I never really saw myself anywhere. I am just not one of those people who has goals and follows them, for the most part. I kinda just float through life, work hard, enjoy my friends and family, and see where life takes me. It's not a bad thing. It works for me. But every once in a while, I sit and think about where I am. Most of the time, I am in a good place. Sometimes, I am in a slump but know that things are okay. Every once in a while, I just can't bring myself out of a funk...but only for a couple of days.

Today? Today I am in a slump, and I'm not really sure why. Work is going well. Home is the most organized and clean and in-need-of-repairs free it has been in years. The kids are awesome. I am feeling healthy, eating right and exercising. BUT, something just isn't sitting right inside myself today.

I wasn't really sure what it was until about an hour ago. That was when I was skimming the Help Wanted ads and spotted "OFFICE MANAGER of medical practice". Something I have done and enjoyed. Something that paid well and challenged me. For a split second, I thought about sending a resume, just for the heck of it. Not half an hour later, Cody was reading the paper and read the same ad out loud to me. So I started to really think about it. And I started weighing out my options (as if I was offered the position already - what a dork!). And what I came up with is kind of sad and disappointing. And definitely eye-opening.

Right now, I work 30 hours a week at one of the largest employers in the area. The pay is not great but the benefits are tremendous, the commute is a mere 3 miles, the people are awesome, and the work is easy. Too easy. But that is okay because I knew when I started that it was an entry level position and my foot in the door. My history with employment has always been that I start off low on the totem pole but move up rather quickly, in pay and responsibility. It has always worked for me. And to be honest, when I started here, I was still in school full time, my house was a disaster, the kids and I were dealing with not one, not two, but FOUR major life changes in the span of just 9 months, and I really just needed a no-stress position, close to home and school. It was perfect.

Except that I can not provide for my family. Not without help. Help in the form of food stamps, MassHealth insurance, daycare vouchers, and fuel assistance. So I provide the love and shelter but the government provides pretty much the rest of life's necessities for me and my children. Just. Great. Most times, I know that the help was designed for people like me. People working and honest and not scamming the system. But every once in a while, I feel like a failure. And when that happens I start to question my choices in life. Like "maybe I shouldn't have left a promising career in DC to move back home to family after the birth of my first child". Or "maybe I should have just stayed working at that awful doctor's office 45 minutes away instead of quitting after I passed the teachers test to finish school". And the best one "maybe I shouldn't have pushed away from failed relationships". Those questions answer themselves though. I made those choices, not based on money, but based on love and based on the fact that not making those choices would have made me and the kids different people. And I like who we are. And so do they. But still.....

.....somedays I hate having to depend on the government. So when I see the job like I did today. I think about what it would take. There's a line that can't be crossed. Make too much and you get cut off. I rolled the numbers around in my head and what I came up with is....I need to make $20,000 per year more than I do now, just to maintain the life we have now (which isn't much but we are fine with that). So, the job probably would pay about that, but then I would be working 40+ hours per week and I would be traveling 45 minutes each way. Now I have carved into a large portion of my family time, time that I never get back. Time that I watch them play hockey, lacrosse, soccer, and gymnastics. Time that I drive them to doctor, physical therapy, and orthodontist appointments. Time that I am just not willing to give up so I can feel like I don't have to depend on the someone, or something else. Sometimes, it is okay to not be so independent all the time. And sometimes, I need to give myself a break.

So, no resume will be sent. No interview will be had. I know I am where I am supposed to be and I have faith that when the time is right, I'll cross that line with a position and the income that will make it worth it for me and the kids. Until then, I'll just have to deal with the occasional "slumps".....by writing things out or talking with a friend. Thanks for reading.

Wordless Wednesday: Girl and Best Friend

2009-07-22T09:47:00.001-07:00

She's Home!!!!!

2009-07-13T06:01:00.001-07:00

Happiness and Heartbreak

2009-07-12T05:34:00.000-07:00

A week ago this morning I was sitting in Hartford airport with the kids and Rylee, waiting for flight 823 to begin boarding. I was thinking about how quickly the idea of sending the kids off to South Dakota to visit their father had evolved into reality.

I know that in my Looking Forward post back in January, it was one of many things that would be happening for us in 2009, but by the time I had the money in hand to purchase tickets for them, they had pretty much decided that they did not want to go out there this summer. At that point (probably mid April) neither one of them had talked to Duane since Christmas Eve and they felt that there were more important things that the money could be used for....like summer clothes for everyone, a mini vacation to the ocean in June, and the last few seasons of the Friends series (they love that show!!). So we all dismissed the idea of them flying out to South Dakota to visit someone they hardly knew anymore.

The beginning of June, his birthday week, their feelings changed. They were really missing him and they had so many things they wanted to share with him ---- Molly getting braces and being accepted to McCann; Cody's school closing and him heading to high school in the fall, etc. The last phone number we had for him was disconnected. So, on his birthday, I called the number I found online for his father and left a long message stating that the kids had not talked to their father and that they just wanted to wish him a happy birthday and if he could just please get Duane the message and ask him to call the kids.

A few days later there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. The next day there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. Two days later there was a message on the answering from their dad. They still did not call him. I was a little confused but I did not push them to do something they obviously were not ready to do, so I kept my mouth shut (very surprising I know!) and I let them handle it their way and on their terms.

Then one day, when Rylee and I walked through the door they both pounced all excited saying that they talked to their dad and he had gotten the letters that they sent him and that he was working at a printing company now and that he couldn't believe Molly had to get braces and that he wished he could see Cody's first buck mounted on the wall and that he had saved money for them to go out there this summer. I was stunned he had saved money for them to go out there this summer....WHAT???? This summer is...is....is like......NOW.....like RIGHT now.

And just like that, two weeks later, we were sitting in Hartford airport waiting for their flight to begin boarding. I was excited for them and to be honest, a little excited for me too (a little break from being the lone parent is always a good thing, right?). Which is why I was completely surprised by the sinking stomach I got the second they called flight 823 for boarding. A lump suddenly manifested itself in my throat and my nose began burning as tears formed in my eyes. I gave them each a final hug, as did Rylee, and we watched them move through line and hand their ticket to the ticket agent. The burning in my nose began to subside and the lump was minimal. Rylee and I waited to watch the plane take off...she was so excited to see it.

The second the plane lifted off the ground, tears instantly sprang to my eyes and rolled down my cheek. Rylee wiped one away and reassured me that Molly would be back in a week and Cody in a month. So glad I had a four year old there to comfort me! We hugged and my tears dried up and we continued to watch.

Soon after, when the plane was no longer in sight, her and I walked back to the parking lot and headed home. We sang songs, we played the alphabet game and then I put a CD in and we both fell into our own thoughts. A few minutes later I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that she had fallen asleep. And then the gates opened. I felt my heart break into tiny pieces and I began balling. I cried for what seemed like forever. My kids were gone and I wouldn't see them for a long time. I was heartbroken.

But what I was feeling was nothing compared to what Rylee went through the next day. She was actually limp on Monday. She did not want to get out of bed in the morning. She wouldn't eat breakfast. I had to dress her and comb her hair and put on her shoes. She didn't have a fever. She wasn't coughing or sneezing. She wasn't complaining of a headache or bellyache. I had to carry her to the truck. She started crying when I pulled out of the driveway. She became hysterical when I pulled into the parking lot at daycare. Something was wrong. I sent her to her Grandmother's house for the morning and then I left work at noon to bring her home. She was still limp. She laid on the couch. She didn't want to watch a movie. She didn't want to watch Friends. She didn't want to go to dance class. Then it hit me....she was depressed. She was heartsick. I told her that Molly would be back on Sunday and Cody would be back at the end of the month. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She asks me if she could call Molly.

I dialed the number and handed her the phone. She was sitting in front of me, her shoulders slightly drooped. I heard the ringing and then Molly's voice say hello. Rylee whispered "Molly". Then I heard "Hi Rylee". A second later Rylee tells Molly that she misses her and Molly says she misses Rylee too. I see Rylee's shoulders drop lower, I hear her swallow hard, she says nothing for a while, finally she chokes out "I love you" and quickly hangs up, hands the phone to me, runs across the living room to the other couch, and collapses into tears. My poor girl. I scooped her up in my arms, held her head to my chest, and rocked her back and forth until the tears subsided. That was the worst of it for her.

Now, a week later, Rylee and I will be heading to Hartford again. This time to pick up Molly who will be flying in at 10:00 tonight. Aside from my fit on Sunday and Rylee's fit on Monday, it's actually been a good week but I am really, really looking foward to seeing her.

And so is Rylee.

Michael Jackson: What I Will Remember Most

2009-07-08T12:56:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Bryan: I Love and Miss You!!

2009-07-03T07:36:00.001-07:00

Today is July 3rd.

And if it weren't for a tragic car accident on November 10, 1995, my brother Bryan would have turned 39 today.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some capacity. It could be a fleeting thought, a conversation with one of the kids, a song on the radio that triggers a memory, mistakenly calling Cody "Bryan", seeing a good friend of his, spotting a couple of deer out in a field, hearing a woman talk about her brother, seeing a young kid walking on the side of the road holding a fishing pole, hearing a commercial for Chilis or Red Lobster, someone talking about their vacation to Florida, seeing a Ford Mustang on the road, etc, etc. There are so many things that remind me of him and I am thankful for that because I would never not want to think about him. He was awesome. Really awesome.

The other night, after the hockey board meeting, I ran into a very, very good friend of Bryan's who was in town for a few days after attending a wedding last weekend. After a long hug and the normal pleasantries that occur when you haven't seen someone in a long time, the conversation of course got back to Bryan. And I am so glad it did because I heard a few stories I had never heard before. In turn, I relayed those stories to my father, who had never heard them which made him remember some stories that he shared with me (and the kids).

And hearing all those stories has made me remember Bryan in a more detailed way than the fleeting thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. It made me REALLY remember HIM and not just the idea of him. And as sad as it is, it is also very, very comforting to have him "close" again.

So today I wish him a Happy Birthday with a renewed memory of the fun-loving, sincere, good-hearted, funny, likable, hard-working, won't take shit from anyone, tough, hot hotted, hunting & fishing loving, brother that I miss so much.

Back to Basics

2009-06-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

I have been in some sort of rut the past three or four weeks and to be honest, I don't even feel badly about it. It was just a really long and overdue time to just chill. I kept up on the housework but did not tackle any big projects. I went for a few walks and/or runs every week but did not hit the gym every day like I normally do. I brought the kids to their games/practices but with lacrosse ending and soccer coming to an end, there's been very little of the rushing and non-stop action that we normally have every day of every week. And it has been nice.....but it just isn't us.

Which is a good thing. Because today, Rylee starts dance for the summer and Molly has a soccer game, and Cody's lacrosse stick has to be repaired, and the bikes need air in the tires before we head out on our ride later this morning, and I have a ton of paperwork I have to get through at the house today. So for me, busy seems to be the key because I had absolutely no problem getting up at 5:30 this morning and heading straight to the gym. And it feels good.

Wordless Wednesday: Opposites

2009-06-17T08:41:00.001-07:00

Healthy

NOT healthy

Shelley's a Liar, Shelley's a Liar

2009-06-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

So much for "IF I CAN....I WILL".

I just reread my last post and have to laugh at myself. Apparently, what should have motivated me to do more has actually had the opposite effect. The last few days I haven't even set my alarm to get up!!!!!

It seems like the more time I have to get things done, the less I get done......

If I Can........I Will

2009-06-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have found that my best bet in making sure I get in a workout each day is to do it at 5:00 am. It's the only way I can be certain that nothing else comes up and snatches away my precious "me time". The fact is, if I try to plan on doing it after work or before bed, inevitably something comes up (picking up the kids from school, practices, games, gymnastics, running into someone I haven't seen and talking too much, laundry, dishes, supper, exhaustion, etc).

Every once in a while, I forget that important fact and I shut off the alarm to sleep a couple of extra hours in the morning. And at the time, it feels so wonderful....to pull the sheets up, relax, and slip in and out of consciousness. So Wonderful. But then, as the day unfolds I eventually begin to feel sluggish and wish I had just jumped out of bed and into my workout clothes.

This morning, I woke up before my alarm and started to get ready for a quick run outside before heading to the gym. Then I heard heavy raindrops hitting the aluminum roof covering the patio. Then I heard the raindrops, combined with the sound of the fan spinning in my room. Then I heard the raindrops, combined with the sound of the fan spinning in my room, and my pillow and still unmade bed calling my name. So I did the only thing I could do. I crawled back into bed, covered up snug as a bug, and let myself daydream to the sound of heavy raindrops and the fan. And I fell back to sleep.

Today, that was okay because I was able to swim during the time between bringing Rylee to daycare and heading to work. I enjoyed the workout and was in the process of getting dressed when I saw an older woman in the locker room. She had just changed into her swimsuit and was heading into the rest room before going to the pool. She had the hardest time maneuvering around things, was completely out of breath, and groaned whenever she moved her legs. Yet here she was at the YMCA getting in her workout for the day. Good for her!

It dawned on me that although I have some occasional aches and pains, I am fully capable of exercising every day. And I swore to myself that I will think of this woman if I ever again try to weasel my way out of a workout. If she can do it then there is no valid excuse for me not too (no matter how comfy that bed is)!

Wordless Wednesday: Bunny in the Bathroom

2009-06-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

Rylee: "My bunny has to Peeeeeee."

Wordless Wednesday: Perfectly Wrapped....

2009-05-27T07:59:00.001-07:00

Yes I Did!

2009-05-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

Ever have a conversation with someone that changes your life? Maybe it is a quiet hello with a fellow reject that blossoms into a lifetime friendship. Maybe it is a flirtatious teasing with a boy that later becomes your husband. Maybe it is an "I'm sorry" that leads to a long and overdue road to forgiveness. Whatever the reason behind the conversation, I am sure we have all had one that has made an impact on our lives, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse; but always with a memory that stands out.

The past few days, I have been recalling a conversation I had with a woman who I am certain would have no idea who I am if I were to bump into her on the street today. A conversation that snowballed into a long, hard road of achievement for me.

In the summer of 2001, I was in the process of losing my job. A job that I enjoyed. A job that paid me really well. But most importantly, a job that allowed me the opportunity to send my children off to school in the morning and then welcome them home when they walked through the front door at 3:00 in the afternoon. A job that I was definitely sorry to be losing soon.

Knowing that the loss would be soon, but not knowing how soon, I was kind of lax in applying to every position posted in the newspaper. You see, I was being a little particular. I wanted the same things I was losing: enjoyment of the position and full time pay for full time work packed into part time hours. As expected, I was not having too much luck.

The last week of summer, I went to an outdoor wedding in New York and I struck up a conversation with a woman who was a classmate of the bride. It turns out she lived in the same town as I and was just starting her teaching career at the high school that I graduated from. She was enthusiastic and excited and it reminded me that teaching was always something I had thought about pursuing but never had the opportunity to dive into the required schooling. I mean how does the mortgage get paid if I am not working? The rest of the weekend I ran that question over and over in my head. On Monday morning, I went to the local college in search of an answer. As it turned out, I received an answer AND since I was already there, enrolled as a full time student for the upcoming semester; which started the next day. Nothing like jumping in full speed ahead.

The classes that my adviser and I chose were pretty specific. I had a broad range of interests - from computer programming to teaching - and I was on a semester by semester basis. Another words, I had no way of knowing how long I would be able to maintain full time student status so I tried to choose classes that may not be offered in the evenings. Computer programming, Intro to Psychology, Child Development, and Foundations of Education. My goal was simple: To do the best I can do in the time that I have. I mean really: full time school, full time mom, and working 25 - 30 hours per week until who knows when. My goal HAD to be simple.

Little did I know how often I would recite those words to myself over the course of that semester. To do the best I can do in the time that I have. As it turned out, the best I could do in the time that I had was a 4.0 at the end of the semester, along with a large thirst for more. More knowledge, more stress, and definitely more teaching and psychology classes. The two areas, according to my professors, that I had a natural intellect for.

And so it continued. Through the loss of my job, the loss of unemployment, the loss of my pride when I was forced to apply for food stamps and fuel assistance, the loss of a child that I had only begun to accept was growing in my belly, through the strength of my family and friends, through many seasons of travel hockey, travel soccer, gymnastics, lacrosse, etc, through the acceptance of another awesome job, through the pregnancy and delivery of another child, through sickness and many surgeries, through the loss of yet another great job, the loss of two very important people in my life, through the strong bonds of my friends, through the love of my children, but most importantly, through the tenacity to get through anything...it continued....right up until this past Saturday. When I graduated, Magna Cum Laude, from MCLA with a bachelors degree in Psychology.

In the Blink of an Eye

2009-04-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning I sat at my dining room table and looked out the bay window and for what seems like the first time, I noticed the lilac bushes to the left of my yard. As much as I love the beauty of nature, I have never found the inclination to prune or garden or educate myself in anything having to do with gardening. In fact, if it were not for the fact that I feel every sinus cavity instantly fill up when I am around bloomed lilacs, I probably wouldn't even know the name of the pretty flowers that bloom from those bushes every spring.

But this spring feels different to me. Or maybe I feel differently this spring. This spring, I have a an urge to do things to the yard. Things that are foreign to me. Like follow through with Molly's desire to have a garden. Like cut away at the dead branches from the three towering pine trees that separate my yard from the neighbor's straight behind me. Like tame the wild overgrown lilac bushes before they start to bud.

"Before they start to bud". That was what shocked me when I looked out the same bay window on Sunday morning. There were buds on the lilac bushes. Just. Like. That. Saturday morning, no buds. Sunday morning, buds.

Monday morning was a whole new experience. As I drove through town I felt a quiet excitement growing inside my belly. Everywhere I turned I saw buds and leaves and blooming trees. And then I remember how much I love this short span of time every spring. It is so magical and I want to share.

Main Street with blooming trees

Looking up the street where we live

A beautiful and very historical cemetery

And there you have it. Spring has sprung...in the blink of an eye.

Try As I May; Try As I Might...

2009-04-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

...I just can't stop thinking about the desserts in my sight.

In the spirit of my wish to become a healthy person this year, I try to keep at least one piece of fruit on my desk at all times. That way, if I am hungry when I get into work, or need a sweet snack in the afternoon, I always have a healthy option right at my fingertips.

This morning, after not eating breakfast, I came into work and had the option of an apple, an orange, or a banana. Within a half hour, before I had a chance to choose a healthy option, I had three rugelachs (nuts, raisins, cherries rolled into a pastry with cream cheese - YUM), a slice of banana bread with chocolate chips, a loaf of homemade grinder bread, and a dish full of harvati cheese sitting on the counter RIGHT in front of me. Like at EYE LEVEL.

So for breakfast, I ate one rugelach, half a slice of banana bread (it had me at chocolate), and some harvati cheese on a hunk of the grinder roll.

Sometimes it is absolute hell to work in dining services. This was Recipes from Home Day so the chefs were pleased to pass along samples of the selected recipes. No arguments here.

As for the apple, orange, and banana....well, there's always tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday: Cute Drawings

2009-04-22T10:38:00.001-07:00

Rylee: Here's a picture I drew of me and my boyfriend today

Rylee: Here's a picture of me and my boyfriend, again.

Rylee: And here's a picture....pause...of I don't know

Wordless Wednesday: She's a Good Mommy

2009-04-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

I glanced through the pictures on my phone while waiting for Molly to get out of drama practice yesterday and found these pictures that Rylee must have taken of her babies.

She's A Ticket

2009-04-08T02:49:00.000-07:00

For the most part, Rylee has been doing a great job of sleeping in her own bed at night. There have been a few times when she was way overtired and wanted to sleep with me that I let her and there have been a couple of nights where she woke up scared and Molly carried her into me (Molly's just awesome). Well, one morning last week, I awoke with Rylee in my bed again, for the 4th night in a row. Knowing full well that this will continue if I don't do something soon, I casually mentioned to her that from now on she needs to stay in her own bed at night. To which she replied "I was just saying that to myself".

*****************************

The last two weeks I was on vacation from work but I still sent Rylee, my 4 year old, to school, most days, so I could get some things done around the house and workout without feeling rushed (it was glorious). On Friday, the last day of my vacation, Molly, my 14 year old, was staying home because she was still in a great deal of pain from getting braces plus she was getting a sore throat and felt a little feverish. I tried not to let Ry know that Molly would be home all day but somehow she just knew, and she was not happy about it.

The two of us were sitting at the counter, eating breakfast, when she says to me "I can't go to school today because I'm sick". Knowing she's fine, I impatiently look at her and ask "Oh yeah, what's wrong with you?". Without missing a beat she replies "I think I'm going to start".

*****************************

Sometimes not laughing is the hardest part of parenting.

I need to find my THING

2009-03-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Every successful weight loss story starts with the THING. You know the THING that made them realize how fat they were. Or the THING that made them wake up. Or the THING that was rock bottom.

Me? I have had plenty of THINGS. There was the time that I was curled up in the front of my truck, barely able to squeeze by fat self into a comfortable position, so I could enjoy the fourth eclair from the box I bought "for the kids". There was the time that I was walking down the street and could feel my top back fat rubbing against my side back fat. There was the time that I walked up the stairs at work and was having such a hard time breathing that I secretly wondered if that was what a heart attack felt like. There was the time that I jumped up and froze when I landed so I could see how long I jiggled (5 seconds in case you too are wondering). I mean seriously, how obese is someone that jiggles for 5 seconds after motion stops. 5 SECONDS!!!! But did any of those propel me into a life style of salads and fruit and no chocolate? Absolutely not.

I think I have disorder. A disorder that is the complete opposite of anorexia. My problem is that I don't see how fat I am; and I KNOW that I am. For some strange reason, I still choose to see myself as pretty and athletic instead of bloated and fat. The images I see of me are not real, just like an anorexic.

Reality is; I have never been thin but I was always okay with that. Seriously. My ideal self is 180 pound size 12 woman. At 180 pounds I was very comfortable and had no desire to lose weight. I was okay with the jiggle in my stomach and ass. I was okay with the double digit clothes. I was okay with it because I was healthy and I felt good. I could run 5 miles and go mountain biking and play soccer with the kids. I could eat a candy bar if I wanted to without any thoughts. Did you read that? Without ANY thoughts. I can't even think about the last time I ate something without debating it beforehand, eating it anyway, and then feeling guilty or angry for doing it. I mean seriously, is that sick or what. Why all the THINKING about food????!!!! It's ridiculous. And it appears, that ever since I have set out with goals about my eating habits, I have steadily climbed the scales. It's because every weekend I am going to start on Monday, and every Monday I am going to just finish off the day. And every Tuesday I am going to start on Friday, because Fridays were once lucky days for me. And now, at 225 pounds, I need to STOP thinking about the food. I need to STOP setting goals. I need to STOP obsessing about this.

One of my psychology professors once told us to NOT think about polar bears. Whatever we did or whatever we thought, we were NOT to think about polar bears. And guess what? Every newspaper, or yahoo or page, or text book, had a polar bear in it. Every hour in the day I thought about polar bears. I had all kinds of images in my head. Big polar bears. Little polar bears. Swimming polar bears. Playing polar bears. Get the picture? The more I was NOT to think about polar bears, the more I thought about them. The same goes for eating; "good" or "bad" eating.

So going forward: I am NOT going to think about food. I am never again going to write out what I will eat the next day. I will never again feel guilty about what I ate. I will never again waste any more energy on thinking about food.

Stay tuned.....

Learning to Relax

2009-03-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

It's hard for me to sit still. I've always been one to go, go, go. There's always someplace to be, something to do, and someone to see. Home is just a place to sleep, shower, and house our clothes and sports equipment. Weekends are busier and crazier than the work week. Even holidays and vacation days are jam packed with action. In fact, I was so busy this winter that I had to schedule a personal day off from work JUST so I could finally go snowshoeing. Something that I used to do all winter long!!!

But not this week. Or next. Two full weeks off from work AND the kids are in school AND hockey has ended AND travel lax and soccer have not yet started. OH MY GOD. What to do what to do. I was so excited the first morning I had to write everything down that I want to accomplish during this time: reorganize the attic, spring clean every room in the house, clean the xterra, workout without time limits, go to a matinee by myself, have lunch with friends, catch up on the blog, go trap shooting, read a book, lose some weight, etc, etc, etc.

So far I have tackled a few of those things. The good news is that working out without time limits is the one that I have enjoyed the most. It's been especially great that the weather has been so awesome so I could actually be outside for a change. The REALLY good news is that I don't really care if I don't get to all of those things, like reorganizing the attic, because I mean who really cares? But the REALLY REALLY good news is that a few hours of each day so far this week....I do nothing. Literally, nothing! And I don't feel guilty about it.

Hmmmm......me relaxing without guilt. Awesome!

The Day After 40

2009-03-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

Soooo, I turned 40 yesterday. And as much as I have been looking forward to the BIG DAY, it was pretty uneventful for me. Work, gymnastics for Rylee, 10 minute dinner at Subway, science fair for Cody (eventful for him...he did make it to the next round YEAH!!), hockey rink, laundry, bed, sleep.

I did look at myself in the mirror for a bit in the morning. Definitely noticed the bags rimmed with dark circles that seemed to have found a home under my eyes. Definitely noticed some deep lines around the eyes and now around my lips. WTF? DEFINITELY noticed the glimmer coming from the sides of my head when I pulled my hair up (so not just the patch of grey on top of my skull anymore). SO.GLAD.I.DID.THAT.

Let the fun begin....this old hag is ready for it!

Wordless Wednesday: My Spin @ Hockey

2009-03-18T12:33:00.001-07:00

Wordless Wednesday: My Ice Princess

2009-03-04T06:28:00.001-08:00

Thanks for Nothing

2009-02-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

I was feeling rather generous on Saturday morning so while at WalMart, I picked up a pack of gum for each of the kids. I got Molly and Cody a minty flavor and I got Rylee a sugar free fruity flavor. I thought everything was fine until my conversation with her this morning on the way to daycare.

Rylee, holding out a stick of her gum towards me: Mom, you want a piece.

Me: No thank you.

Rylee, giving me a yeah I know look: Why not Mom?

Me: Because I don't like fruit flavored gum.

Rylee, a little exasperated says: I KNOW. I don't EITHER so why you got it for me?

OK, note to self, no more fruity flavored gum for the sinister one!

Every single day she somehow manages to crack me up.

She's Growing Up and Moving Out....

2009-02-20T03:21:00.000-08:00

...of my room that is. A while back I purchased a bed that Rylee had picked out for her and Molly. I wrote in that post that the sleeping arrangements at our house desperately needed revising and the bed would solve a lot of it.

Well, Molly and I finally got the bed fully set up correctly and we re-arranged her room so it is truly "Molly's" room (except for the little sidekick sleeping next to her at night). Rylee was so excited. She was going to be sleeping in her own bed for the first time!

I didn't hold out too much hope that she would make it through the night. I mean she has slept with someone next to her pretty much since she was born. She's not a fan of sleeping alone. She always has to have her hand or her leg or her foot resting on me while she sleeps. And she knows when I leave the room, even when I leave for the gym at 5:00 in the morning, she wakes up within a half hour and either calls out for Molly or gets up and lays down next to Cody until I get home.

BUT...she has done it!!! She is officially in her own bed at night! She was sooooo cute. And what was even cuter was how excited she was to be sharing the time with Molly. She asked Molly if they could "talk" before they went to sleep. Just "girl talk" she said. "Like boyfriends and crushes and stuff". Too funny...as always.

The Wheels in the Head go Round and Round

2009-02-09T05:57:00.001-08:00

So, so, so many things to blog but never enough time!!!

As a reminder for some day soon (I hope) I'm making a quick list of things that I'd like to express:

* The pride I have for Molly for really stepping outside her comfort zone this year and amazing me with her courage.

* Rylee and how she really, truly is a teenager trapped into a little 4 year olds body

* My resolve with getting healthy this year and my realization that age is a big factor now

* The games we play in real life and in our own heads to make things right for ourselves

* The Angelina lookalike mom that just gave birth to EIGHT babies and has SIX others at home, presumably with the family that gave her the dysfunctional life she claims she had

Will post soon.

A Morning of Teenage Angst

2009-02-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

It was bound to happen. Things have been going just too well. In fact, I was just telling a good friend yesterday that the kids have been awesome and that we have been doing things every weekend for a month now and have had the best of times. Sliding a few times, watching a few high school hockey games, a nice dinner out, going for a couple of walks, visiting with some friends, playing games and singing along to the radio on the way to out of town hockey games. It has actually been fun hanging out with the kids. No major battles or backtalk. No screaming or playing the blame game. No sarcastic words and rolling of the eyes. Did I mention no backtalk?

But all good things must come to an end. And the end was this morning. As of now, Cody is grounded for the weekend AND he has to do dishes AGAIN tonight and Molly, well she can't ever seem to just shut her mouth when we are having words. She always has to get the last word in and it is always a word that pushes me over the edge. This morning it was "awesome" after I told her that she needed to stop with the attitude. But I don't think it was so much the backtalk, I think it was more the attitude of when she said it, staring at her image in the mirror with a smirky kinda curve to her lips, totally not even looking at me. WTF?!

Yet Another Great One

2009-01-19T04:39:00.000-08:00

The weekend was awesome. The kids were awesome. The games were awesome. And, in my opinion, the weather was awesome too!

We headed to Springfield on Saturday morning for a 10:00 hockey game. We won by 2 goals and the kids really played together as a team. There were only a few penalties, there was plenty of passing, lots of shots on goal, and some great saves. Molly is doing so great on defense. Not too many people get by here, she just plucks the puck right away! Cody had a solid game and a few shots on goal himself. After our game we stopped over to Rink 2 to catch the rest of the PeeWee game. It was good to sit and watch hockey with some of the parents on that team. I miss them!!

Saturday night we went to the high school game and watched tons of hits, a few fights, rowdy fans, crazy (and I don't mean "crazy busy" like the meaning behind my blogname) parents, and quite a few temper tantrums. It was like daycare on steroids.

Sunday morning we had a home game against a local team. Molly and Cody played so well together and when they weren't a defensive team, then they were giving each other "congrats taps" on their way on/off the ice. Cody's game is back (I think he has been holding back a bit since hurting a kid with a legitimate check and getting illegally checked and hurt a few games back). He protected the goalie, he pushed some kids into the boards, he fought for the puck, and he had fun doing all of it. Molly stole tons of pucks, battled it out in the corner with the biggest opponent, and started to FINALLY communicate with her teammates. The coach for the opposing team is her coach for the girls' team and he was impressed with her defensive playing (she plays a wing on his team).

Later in the day we were back at the rink for open skate. Rylee skated for an hour and half while I worked the concession stand. Yes you read that right, my 4 year old skated all by herself! And she loved it. Her little friend Bella was there and her big friend Kate was there and she just had the best time. At one point, I caught a glimpse of her as she was pulling on her skates and I was filled with so much pride. I am always amazed by her but at that moment, I was just so proud of the little girl she has become.

All Choked Up

2009-01-16T06:11:00.001-08:00

Every time I hear or think about this crash and the heroism involved, I can't stop the tears from forming.

Wordless Wednesday: Ice Storm of 2008

2009-01-14T11:32:00.001-08:00

Monday Morning Blues

2009-01-12T02:56:00.001-08:00

Years ago, when the weekends officially started on Thursday evening and ended late Sunday night, and the fun was non-stop, and the days were filled with four wheeling or swimming or sledding or tubing, and the nights were filled with bar-hopping or pitch or crashing weddings, I discovered the Monday Morning Blues. Mondays were always back to reality. Back to work. Back to the real world. It was always the hardest day in the week to get through because of coming "down" from such a great four day weekend.

Well this past weekend was one of those kind of weekends. I laughed and cried and reminisced and flirted and laughed and laughed. It was just so much fun and it felt so good.

So thank you Mia, Sue, Karl (packets of sugar were not a bad bribe), Upchuck, Molly, Cody, Rylee, the guy with the "L" on his forehead, Aimee, Joanie, Robin, Chris, Thomas, Joyce, the boys, Hannah, Mellon, Sheryl, Jordan, Connor, Abby, Jeff, Barb (hopefully you got some quality study time), David, Pauly, Jenn, and even Art, who took some pictures of us, for giving me the Monday Morning Blues. It's awesome!

The Humor in OCD

2009-01-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

At about 13 months of age I started to wonder if Ry has a touch of OCD. What triggered it was her constant need to arrange all the shoes, dolls, clothes, toys, books, and whatever else intrigued her, into neat and orderly rows. What really pushes me towards that thought is her inability to let something that isn't "right" go. For instance, at the ripe old age of 18 months, she zipped up the door to her tent and started to walk away. She got about 10 steps away, gasped, turned around, went straight back to the zipper and "fixed" it. By fix I mean the zipper was stuck facing up instead of laying down flat. Once she corrected it, she could continue with her playing.

Since then, I have learned to pick my battles with her. I allow her as much independence as she can safely handle, I explain any changes to her schedule as far in advance as possible, and I sure as heck cut the crust off her toast, even though she eats them anyway (thanks Mom for doing that "just for fun").

Now it seems to have spread into how she sees herself. She is having meltdown after meltdown over her clothes! It started with her "hating" the clothes I picked out. Soooooo, I let her pick out her clothes. Then it was getting to take too much time in the morning because she would need to change three or four times times. Soooooo, I have her pick out her clothes the night before. And that was working well, until now.

Now she starts trying on her clothes, for the next day, at night. And the belt is stupid, the jeans are too tight, the dress is ugly, the shirt doesn't match, the socks do match, the heart on her pants is covered by the shirt, etc. This is what she does at night, before bed. Then we repeat the whole thing in the morning.

This morning, she put on jeans and a blue shirt with sparkles. I told her how pretty she looked and I went into the bathroom, asking her to get her shoes on. In the time it took me to blow dry my hair, she had changed in and out of the jeans three times and swapped shirts twice.

We had plenty of time so I just let her do her thing. And when she emerged from the bedroom the final time, she had the sweetest smile, so proud of what she looked like, I couldn't help but kneel down beside her, give her a big hug, and tell her how awesome she is. She is just too funny and I love it.

Wordless Wednesday: A Brother's Love

2009-01-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

Cody sometimes gets irritated with Rylee and he sometimes acts like he could care less about her....but now I have proof how much he really truly loves her. Ahhhhh.

Looking Forward

2009-01-05T03:56:00.000-08:00

I got to thinking last night about 2009. There are quite a few big events happening this year that are kind of exciting.

I, along with quite a few good friends, will be turning 40 this year. This, of course, gives us all an excuse to have one party after another and to get together and to possibly go away if funds allow. Yeah!!!

I will be graduating in May. Well, technically I have already graduated but I will be walking the walk in May. In front of the kids and my parents and some friends.

Molly will have her 8th grade dance and graduation in June. Hard to believe her middle school years will be coming to an end.

With some of my tax return money, I will be purchasing two roundtrip tickets to South Dakota so Molly and Cody can go see their Dad. They miss him terribly and I know that they need to see him. So they will be going to SD for 3 weeks when school ends and even though Ry and I will miss them, I know that it will be worth it for them. They need to see him again. It's been way too long.

Rylee will begin preschool in September. And Molly will begin high school. HOLY COW!!!! A little nerve-racking but definitely exciting.

So much to look forward to this year. But I know in my household this morning, nobody is looking forward to going back to school, or daycare, or work. It's been a very good two weeks and we are all going to have a little adjustment this morning. Time to get it started!!

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

I have never been one to make goals with the beginning of each New Year. I have never been one to look foward to one year ending and a new one beginning. I have always kind of had an issue with letting go when it's time to let go. The time leading up to both my 8th grade and high school graduations were more sad than exciting for me. The end of every hockey season leaves me mopey for a couple of days, the end of each "stage" the kids goes through makes me wish I could freeze time, even the end of a good book leaves me sad. To be honest, it can be pretty silly at times. Like when I traded in my truck for the Xterra I now own....I was secretly wishing the deal wouldn't go through and I teared up every time I glanced out the window and saw my big blue monster in the lot. I really am that silly!!!

But the past two years have been very hard for us and I can honestly say that I have no reason to not be happy they are over and excited for 2009. And with that excitement, I seem to have strung along a few goals (and needs) for myself. I have done a tremendous job of really getting things on track for the kids and I and I can't help but continue that progress.

One was that I wanted to take the time to actually read a few books this year. With the exception of required reading for school, it has been 9 years since I have read a book. 9 years!!! The last time was when I took the kids to Disney World and read in between their naps and swimming. So, at the stroke of midnight on New Years, I whisked the kids off to bed, opened up my closet, plucked a book from the shelf, and read 3 chapters. The next morning, while Ry colored and read her own books, I continued to read and because it was a lazy day for us, I ended up finishing the book that evening.

Another goal is that I want to get back into the habit of reading to the kids at night. Even Molly and Cody. Over time, we somehow lost that and I want that back. So today, we stopped at the library and picked out a book for me to read to them and a couple of books for each of us to read on our own. This would never have happened if we hadn't slowed things down a bit. We have been so out straight for so long that we have had to learn how to relax again.

I need to get healthy again. I have always worked out and enjoy it but this year I need to step it up a notch or two. I need to work myself a little harder and I am hoping to run at least one half a marathon this year.

I need to spend some one on one time with the kids. They need individual attention and I need to provide that to them. My plan is for Cody and I to begin an indoor archery league next week and for Molly and I to participate in some sort of writing workshop, or something similar, if there is anything like that around here. If not, we can just hang out or go to a movie or whatever she wants each week.

I need to have some time to myself as well. It's so easy to get caught up in doing things for everyone else and the kids but this year, I want to find a hobby or something that I can enjoy for me.

So those are my goals for this year. Pretty basic but definitely worthwhile.

The Year in Review

2008-12-31T03:56:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe today is the last day of 2008. Looking back, it's been a year of so many accomplishments, which is good. Yet, I am glad it is coming to an end. I'm looking forward to the New Year and what it has to offer.

The first few months of 2008 were pretty fun and exciting and also pretty busy. The kids and I went to our first ever Bruins Game. We went to a Rascal Flats/Kellie Pickler concert. Hockey was in full swing and I was very involved with volunteer work for hockey. Which, when combined with working 30 hours a week and going to school full time, made for some pretty long days. I was on autopilot, plowing through everything I needed to do each day, one priority after another.

The next few months marked the end of hockey and school. The end of every hockey season is always so bittersweet. By April, everyone is soooo ready for it to just end. Yet, it is so sad too because you know that the team and the group of parents that you bonded with over the past 6 months will never be again. Not like it was. But then we quickly moved into lacrosse and hockey was just a memory. The end of school was just plain torcher. I had one paper after another to finish up and I had to work so many late nights/early mornings after the kids went to sleep to get everything done. I had hoped to graduate in May and walk with the class but because I hadn't been sure if I would finish on time, I never applied for graduation, so I wasn't able to graduate. Until August. Which is an accomplishment that should be noted but it was kind of different than graduating in May and walking the walk. I'll be doing that this May and I am sure it will be a very proud moment for me, and the kids, and my parents.

With the end of school and hockey, I finally found the time to start working on the house. The attic needed clearing out and the yard needed tons of work and I needed to figure out the sleeping arrangements. A two bedroom house with three kids just wasn't working. But it had to work so we had to figure out something. I designated one room to be Molly's and it took so much work and so much time but we finally ended up with a room that she loves.

I have never been one to get stressed about money. Finances have always been tight for me but by September, things were really getting scary. I was in danger of losing the house, the truck and my sanity. I took a hard look at everything, weighed out all my options, and then called my contact at the bank to let him know my thoughts. Luckily, this was right before the big financial crisis and even luckier, they worked with me to help me refinance and get me back on track. And now, even though I still don't have enough to make ends meet, at least we have a roof over our heads and transportation. Everything else will fall into place. It always does.

The reason things always fall into place for me, eventually, is because of the people that surround me. I have the best parents and the best group of friends and neighbors that anyone could ever wish for.

So I end 2008 with so many thanks to the neighbors that helped me with the yard when my mower was broke, to the hockey families that have always taken such good care of the kids and I, to my professors who worked with me and my situation, to my best friend of 25 years who answers that phone every time I call with yet another drama and yet more tears, to JAG who gave me so much this year and opened my eyes to what I want in the future, to my friends and parents, and to my kids, who no matter how much they may give me the business are really really good people. Thank you all so much.

Classic Ry

2008-12-29T08:05:00.001-08:00

Rylee has always been very independent. She weaned herself from my breast, she potty trained herself, she has dressed herself for a couple of years now, she puts her own diaper on at night before bed, she picks out her own clothes, and she picks up after herself. About the only thing she needs me for is to wipe her bum after a bowel movement.

So I was a little surprised last night when she yelled to me from the bathroom. The conversation went like this:

RY: Mom, can you wipe me?

MOM (surprised since we had just done this an hour ago): Why did you poop?

RY: No. I just don't want to have to wash my hands after.

MOM: Rylee, you can wipe yourself and then wash your hands. (Hmmm, I wonder why she's so independent?)

A few minutes later Rylee emerges from the hallway asking if I can buckle her belt. Something was fishy. I looked her in the eye and asked if she washed her hand. She looked me right in the eye and said "No, I didn't wipe."

So I guess I can now add Reasoning to her list of skills.

Then we had a talk about bladder infections and germs in the bathroom. I think she'll be washing her hands AND wiping every time now.

You Go Girl: Part 2

2008-12-29T07:58:00.000-08:00

Molly earned another Defensive Player of the Game nod on Saturday. Her and Cody were playing defense partners and she was awesome. Cody got knocked out the game midway through the first period and Molly had to really step up. Because of back to back penalties by the other two D, she spent all but 2 minutes of the 2nd period on the ice. She was amazing. The best game she has had all year! She had one play where she stopped a puck with her hand, dropping down to her stick, moving it up the ice, and then passing it right to the end of Jake's stick where he skated it in for a goal. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

It Was Wonderful

2008-12-26T03:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas that is. I wasn't sure how it would all pan out but it turned into a really special day for ALL of us. The kids were so pleased with what they received, dinner was absolutely delicious, and the company was awesome. From Christmas Eve brunch to Christmas Evening, it was just wonderful to spend the time with friends and family.

At the end of the day, as we were getting dropped off back home, the two older kids thanked my mother and said it was a great day. And I could tell in their voices that they meant it. I was filled with so much pride. They have learned that the spirit of Christmas is more about those that you love and the giving to others, rather than that what you receive.

She Looks Familiar to Me

2008-12-24T06:16:00.000-08:00

I saw a woman at the gym this morning. I know I know her but she seems different. If you look closely at her face, you can see an outline of what the shape of her face is supposed to be. You can barely see the two cheekbones that used to become perfectly round when she laughed. Her eyes, which used to sparkle all the time, now look so sad. The extra fat in her eyelids has changed the shape of eyes almost making her look Asian. The fire in her belly looks as though it has been extinguished with pounds of chocolate, cheese, and chips with dip. Her once thick but athletic thighs are now dimpled, even on the front.

But she's here. At the gym. On the treadmill: sometimes running sometimes walking. In spinning class: sometimes with lots of tension sometimes with no tension. Doing nautilus. Adding weight and reps each week. And you can see a speck of the confidence that she once had so abundantly. A confidence that she knows, without a doubt, that she will be able to shed the extra 50 pounds she has packed on this past year. A year of many accomplishments but so much turmoil. A year of emotional growth and an awakening to the limitations of others, no matter how much friendship, insight, and especially forgiveness she has provided. A year that is thankfully ready to become history.

So my thoughts are with her today, hoping that she has a Merry Christmas, but especially hoping that everything falls into place for her in 2009.

And then I remember....

2008-12-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

I have always loved living in this little nook of the world. I grew up in a town of about 800 people with one school, two churches, two general stores, no cable television, and plenty of woods to explore. In the winter, every Saturday and Sunday was spent at the little ski area up the hill where our parents would drop off us at 8:00 and pick us up at 5:00. We would be out in the snow, skiing or lounging on one of the trails, all day long. After we got home, my brother and I would collapse in front of the wood stove and let the intense heat warm our bodies, releasing the chill from our bones. Most of the time, my parents would let us have our dinner right there, camped around that little stove.

During the summer months we would grab our bikes and ride into town, the number of kids increasing along the way, where a large group of us would hang out at the school or cool off at the swimming hole on The Lane. Sometimes there would be a pool party at Justin's or Joey's and we'd all push each other in and laugh and have fun.

Springtime was for mudding. The guys would ride their dirt bikes or 3 wheelers and I would ride my pony and we'd make our way through the woods, following the trail right to the sandbanks. There we would take turns plowing through deep puddles of mud and climbing the steepest sand banks. I remember being saved by Raymond once when the 3 wheeler I was on stalled right after I got the front tire up and over the top edge of the hill. He must have seen the look of fear on my face because he quickly grabbed the handle bar and pulled me, and the 3 wheeler up to safety.

Fall brought the hunting season where opening day often led to a case of "buck fever". This meant that many teachers and students would be noticeably absent. I remember having a bet with Mr. T, the science/gym teacher, over which one of us would get the biggest deer. I can't remember if he got one but I know that I did not.

Not all the kids in school played sports but a good chunk of us did. The soccer and softball teams were co-ed because of such low numbers but we did have two separate basketball teams. We would pile, literally since there were no seatbelt laws back then, into trucks, blazers and jeeps and we would travel to our games where we would cheer each other on, sometimes a little too loudly. Our teachers were our coaches and our parents were our drivers. And it all worked. It worked really really well.

I started this post with the intention of writing about how difficult it is to live around here sometimes. Jobs can be scarce, meeting new people can be difficult (since you either know them or know someone who does), shopping locally can be quite challenging (I went to three stores yesterday and struck out every time), and most importantly, getting a Raspberry Martguerita on a Monday night is impossible. That was how I was feeling last night. But this morning, as I was driving Molly to her orthodontist appointment, I looked up at Mt. Greylock and it was beautiful. And on the way home from her appointment, I had a different view from a different town and it was even more beautiful. And then I remember......how much I love living in this nook of the world.

At Her Best

2008-12-22T06:36:00.000-08:00

A conversation while I am picking up around the house and Rylee is finishing up breakfast.

Mom: Ry, please get your shoes on so we can get going this morning.

Ry: I don't have socks on yet.

Mom: Well please get your socks on so we can get going this morning.

Ry: Can I tell you my idea?

Mom: Sure, what is your idea.

Ry: You get my shoes and socks so I can put them on so we can get going this morning.

Mom (laughing): What a great idea, for you! OK but can you brush your hair while I get your shoes and socks so you can put them on so we can get going this morning?

Ry: Yes.

Ry: You know what?

Mom: What?

Ry: I look great with my hair down.

I love the conniving skills and the confidence she has!

You Go Girl!

2008-12-16T02:29:00.000-08:00

One of our defensive players was suspended for a game so Sunday he had to watch instead of play. The coach, for some reason, decided to put Molly in his place on the back line. I was nervous for her. One of the first plays she got hit after she dumped the puck and she went straight back, all the way to the ice. But she got right up and played well the rest of the game.

A few times she even stole the puck away, once lifting the other players stick up and then swiping it right from underneath him. She made some great passes, right to the sticks of her teammates. She made some great stops, keeping the puck in the zone. It was fun to watch. And she had fun playing it.

And best of all, she was named Defensive Player of the Game. Here's the coach's writeup about her Molly "Hey, I really CAN play Defense" was solid!!! Breaking up 2 on 1's, 3 on 1's, even a couple of 2 on 0's!!! She earned a unanimous Defensive Player of the Game!!!

So So Sweet

2008-12-13T05:23:00.000-08:00

The kids and I did not have to rush out the door for school, daycare, hockey, gymnastics, or a doctor's appointment this morning. There was no reason to hop out of bed and get the day started. I didn't even set the alarm clock last night.

As I started the lazy process of waking up on my own, I glanced at Rylee and saw that she was laying beside me, awake but relaxed. She must have sensed how rare and awesome this morning was going to be. I closed my eyes and let myself drift in and out of sleep a little while longer.

Soon I felt a fingertip lightly lift some hair off my forehead and tuck it behind my ear. Then I felt a couple of fingertips slowly and softly rub my cheek, up and down a few times. A second later I could feel her breath close to my face as she kissed my forehead.

A second later I hear a light whisper "I love you Mommy".

So so sweet. A morning I will treasure forever.

Dora Memory: Good for Both of Us

2008-12-11T02:45:00.000-08:00

I had Molly when I was 25. I had Cody when I was 26. I had Rylee when I was 35. So many times people ask, besides the obvious "what were you thinking?!", if I was more relaxed and enjoyed motherhood more as a 35 year old than a 25 year old. The truth is....NO. I have always been a pretty relaxed, don't get stressed about the house or lack of money and enjoy the kids kind of mom. When I get those sappy emails that remind us of what life is really all about, I feel like they could be describing me.

That's not to say I don't have days where I could send them all to the moon and live happily ever after, but for the most part, I haven't found being an older mom to be that much different. Until yesterday.

Rylee received Dora Memory for her birthday on Sunday. As she was popping out the cards from the cardboard frame, I reviewed the directions (I don't know why, I am just quirky like that sometimes). I decided that we would only play with half the cards since this was her first time playing and I didn't want to overwhelm her.

I quickly learned how it would go. It would go something like this: Rylee finds a match, Shelley does not, Rylee finds a match, Shelley does not, Rylee finds a match, Shelley does not and Rylee does this Ha Ha shaking of the shoulders tease. She was so good! And I was so bad! It was literally to the point that when I flipped over a card, I would watch her reaction to see where the match was. I am not kidding! By the end of the game she had 14 matches and I had 10.

So YES, being an "older mom" is much different. You see, I need to play Dora Memory just to get my brain back in shape!!!

Wordless Wednesday: Miss Rylee turns Four

2008-12-10T10:14:00.001-08:00

Hockey Dilemma

2008-12-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

The girls' team that Molly plays on is playing a top ranked U14 team tomorrow morning. The team is undefeated and is ranked number one in New England. Both coaches have emailed to make certain she is playing for the girls team rather than the team she plays with full time, which is the boys' team (we are so creative aren't we?).

She is playing with the girls. That was our deal at the beginning of the season. The girls team would be priority. The only reason she is on a boys' team is because it is the only way for her to play full time hockey, locally.

My dilemma isn't which team she should play for though. My dilemma is which game to go watch. A few weeks ago, she had a home game with the girls' team and Cody had an away game (read 1 hour drive each way). Figuring a conflict of games wouldn't happen too often with the girls' team playing so few games, I chose to stay home and watch her game and I sent Cody off to his game with one of the coaches. Cody, jokingly (I think) said "sure watch her game and not mine" to which I replied "well next time I'll go to your game".

Well that "next" time has come. His game is in Springfield tomorrow at 11:45 and her game is local at 9:30. I want to go to his game and I want to go early because the PeeWee team from our league is playing right before us and I haven't been able to catch many of their games this year. But now I find out how competitive Molly's game is and I want to go see her. She plays her best game when she is under pressure. She doesn't feel that pressure when she plays with the boys.

Ugghhhhhhh......such dilemma.

Update: I went to both games, leaving Molly's a few minutes early and getting Cody to his game just in the nick of time. She did great and even though they lost 5-0, the game went really well.

Mind over Matter....

2008-12-04T05:54:00.000-08:00

That is my new plan. I haven't posted in a while because I have not been feeling well and haven't had the extra energy for anything more than the priorities each day ---- getting the kids off to school & daycare, going to work, picking up the kids, bringing them to hockey & gymnastics and of course feeding them and keeping up with the dishes and the laundry. All while trying to ignore the cramp in my left side, the tightness in my chest, the acid reflux traveling up and down my esophagus and the sinus headaches I get every change of season. Which happens every other day where I live.

I have had three prescriptions, a CT scan, an ultrasound, and still...nothing conclusive. Just me being overly sensitive and a baby. But sometimes I want to be a baby!!! I want to not worry about anything or anyone and I want to crawl into bed and pull the blanket over my head and stay there until I feel better. Really better. But I can't. Not an option.

So when I woke up today, I decided that I was going to just ignore the pain and blah feelings and not look in the mirror where I see the toll life has taken. I am going to feel like myself today. I am going to be funny and witty and confident and I am going to enjoy every little bump in the road. Mind over Matter.

I went downstairs to change the laundry around and stepped in water because the sump pump isn't working again. So I fixed that. Then I went over to the dryer to take out the clothes but they were still went and the dryer didn't turn back on. So I fixed that. Then I went upstairs to get Ry in the shower and the water never got hot...just luke warm.

Screw Mind over Matter. I tried.

Wordless Wednesday: Cody's First Deer - A 5 Pointer!

2008-11-26T07:16:00.001-08:00

Wordless Wednesday: 2 Views of Whitingham Lake

2008-11-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

No Nursery Songs Here

2008-11-18T03:50:00.000-08:00

I kissed a girl. I liked it. Hope my boyfriend don't like it. I taste cherry chapstick.

And again: I kissed a girl. I liked it. Hope my boyfriend don't like it. I taste cherry chapstick

And again and again and again.

That would be Rylee singing the past few days.

And this was our conversation last night:

Ry: Kiera likes that song too. It's her favorite.

Me: Really?

Ry: Yeah, we both sing it today.

Me: Were you in your classroom?

Ry: No, we were singing it in the locker room.

oh boy.....

Me: Did the teachers hear you?

Ry: No we sing like this whispers the words to the song

Phew

Me: Ry, sing me Twinkle Twinkle

Yeah....I'll be expecting a note or call from the teacher this week.

He Shoots & He Scores!!!

2008-11-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

So much to write but the highlight of the weekend was the kids' game on Saturday night. We were ahead by 1 goal and with less than 50 seconds left in the game I noticed that the other team had pulled their goalie. It was 6 on 5 and they were hammering our defense, which is what Cody plays. Paula and I were in the boxes keeping time & score when I said "if Cody get his stick on the puck I know he'll get a goal". No sooner were the words out of my mouth when Cody gets the puck and sends it soaring clear across the ice. It was right on target and slid right between the pipes. AWESOME!!

In other sports action: Friday night was a community wide pep rally for the big football game on Saturday. I was so excited to go! Rylee and I sat with some neighbors and my friend Michelle, who had been playing for the team. Unfortunately, it was pretty lame and NOTHING like what it was back in the day but Rylee enjoyed watching the cheerleaders and this was the first year. Hopefully it grows from year to year. After the pep rally we darted over to the next town to catch the last quarter of the final football game of the season for the Mounties. Michelle younger son plays on that team.

Saturday was the big rivalry game. Hoosac vs Drury. North Adams vs Adams. Red vs Blue. It's such an experience. Alumni, parents, administrators, teachers, students.....it is such a community wide event every year. And this year was especially close because both teams had great seasons and the results of the game would determine who would advance to the playoffs. Rylee had so much fun watching the dualling cheerleaders and Molly and Paige got into the spirit with decorated t-shirts and war paint with glitter. So cute. And even better...we won!

Saturday night was the kids' hockey game and then today Cody went to Holyoke with the coach so I could take Molly to her game with the girls' team. They won 6-0 and Molly played great. She had a bunch of shots on goal and an assist.

The Sun and The Moon

2008-11-14T05:53:00.000-08:00

A couple of really cool things happen at my household this time of year and month.

The first one I noticed the morning after we changed our clocks back. When I was taking a shower around 8:00 in the morning, I felt the sun shining down on me (hey that sounds like a song LOL) through the window. It was awesome. It makes me feel as though I am outdoors. Outdoor showers are THE best. I went on a mountain biking trips many many moons ago and the place had a shower that was out on the deck. It was awesome (and luckily for the other guests, it was surrounded by a shower curtain). So now I get a little taste of that every morning. It's great.

The second thing I noticed takes place at night. I recently moved my bed so now the head of it is under a couple of small windows that sit a little high on the wall. And now that the leaves are all of the trees, and the moon is full, I have a full view of the moon when I lay down to sleep at night. I love it.

So I can sleep under the moonlight and shower under the sunlight. I have a little bit of outdoors right there in my little old house. It's perfect.

Too Many Thoughts in My Head

2008-11-13T19:33:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging for very long but there is something weird that has happened to me since I started. I feel as though I am living in some sort of reality show, just not on television. It seems that as each day awakens and blossoms, somewhere in the back of mind, behind all the multi-tasking, chores, work, etc. , I am constantly "writing" about the events as they unfold.

Some are really funny little tidbit type things that I can't wait to share:
* Miss Independent Rylee yells out to me after giving herself a bath that she is done. When I asked her if she washed her whole body she proudly answers, "I washed my front bum and my back bum". Love it. I know many parents would correct their 3 year old and tell her it is called a v. a. g. i. n. a. but I am not one of them. In fact, I may start calling mine a front bum too. I can just hear it now....Excuse me pharmicist, could I get some frontbumical cream please???? And can you imagine the dirty talk?! Yeah, I won't go there but feel free to let your imaginations soar.

Some are really sad and emotional things that I just want to express:
* A friend of Cody's parents are splitting up (for just a short time I hope) and I feel so sad for all of them. I know that no marriage is perfect and that we all have our issues, but to know that such an awesome family is currently going through that breaks my heart.
* A local fireman that recently retired after 30 years died unexpectedly last weekend. He was only 58 years old, was so outgoing and personable, had a huge group of friends, loved and appreciated his wife, and his daughter just recently got married. I can't stop thinking about how awful this is for his wife. I can't even imagine losing your "everything" so early in life.

Some are the joys of parenting:
* Speaking louder than Molly (who is trying to speak louder than me so she can continue to ask the same question that I already answered with a resounding NO) to say that if she asks ONE MORE TIME then she will NOT be going to the pep rally tomorrow OR to the game on Saturday.
* Molly telling me she is sorry after she finally shut.her.mouth (what a peaceful 3.2 seconds)
* Rylee telling me that Molly said she was sorry after I didn't respond to Molly's apology.

And some are accomplishments: I went spinning today : )
And failures: I ate pecan pie after lunch : (

But mostly, they are things in my life that I have a deeper appreciation for, because I want to share them. I really enjoy putting bits and pieces of my life out into the open where some of it may or may not connect with someone else. It's pretty cool.

PS: I apologize to the 4 or so people that read these entries and then have to listen to me tell the same things to you in person.

Wordless Wednesday: The Birthday Boy

2008-11-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

Knockin on 40's Door

2008-11-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

Something is happening to me and I am not sure if I like it. Just last week I did the following:

I went grocery shopping for more than my normal "just enough to get by" list

I made macaroni and cheese -- homemade ...Not Kraft Mac n Cheese

I almost stayed home with Rylee while the kids went to hockey practice on Tuesday

I made an awesome lasagna dinner, complete with salad & fresh garlic bread

I had friends over to enjoy the dinner (and to put together the trundle bed that has been sitting in my kitchen for way too long). Thanks Rob!

I still had beer in the refrigerator the next morning. Like 4 out of 6?!

I made lasagna again the next day because I still had the ingredients and because there were no leftovers and the kids asked me to!

There was only 1 night that I collapsed into bed with a sink full of dirty dishes

I at first declined an offer to go out dancing on Saturday night.

When I was talked into going, not that it was too much of a challenge, I actually curled my hair. Then used Molly's foundation and mascara and OMG, lip gloss!!!! Disclaimer: I was too uncomfortable so by the time I got to there, the lip gloss was a distant memory.

I didn't dance, we were home long before 2:00 a.m., and I had still had money in my pocket.

I stayed home on Sunday. Like really really stayed home. I never even opened a door to the truck. I didn't even go to the store. AND, I was okay with it.

I think....I think....well I think :gasp: I am growing up. It's taken 39 years and 8 months but what the heck. I had to do it sometime I guess. Although, I am still not sure if I like it.

My Brother Bryan

2008-11-10T05:12:00.000-08:00

It's been 13 years. And I still hate that I didn't stay on the phone with you that Friday morning. We had already talked earlier but you called me back; for some reason. I have no idea why. My boss was standing over my desk so I told you that I had to let you go. You told me to call you when I got out of work. I didn't call right after work because I had to go to the hospital. The baby hadn't moved all day and the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. The baby was fine.

So I went home and fed Molly and bathed her and read to her and put her to sleep. Then I called you. In fact, I think I tried calling you twice. I hung up the first time and then left a message the 2nd time. It was around 9:00 pm. Then I went to bed. I was pretty exhausted. The baby was a week over due and I was still working full time and running after Molly the rest of the time.

Then Mom was calling. She wanted me to come over the house. When I asked her why she said she wanted me to bring her car over to her (I was using her car that night because you still had mine and she didn't feel like driving me home after the hospital visit). Of course, it didn't make sense that she would want the car at 10:30 in the evening so I finally got her to tell me what was wrong. I started to cry and then said out loud "ok. I can't think about this right now. Did you call Dad?". She said yes and we hung up. I called Dad. He didn't say anything and neither did I. I told him I'd meet him at Mom's house. Then I called my husband at work. His supervisor answered . He was excited and asked if I was having the baby. I replied no but it was really important that I talk with Duane. He said he'd be right home. Then I called my best friend since 6th grade. She asked me if I was having the baby.

By the time I got to my mother's house my father was there and a few close family friends were pulling in at the same time. My aunt and uncle were there. I hugged everyone and then put Molly back to bed. My mom gave me the details that she knew so far. My sister had not called back yet. So I grabbed the phone and went into my mother's bedroom. I started trying to call my sister and left messages with every friend of hers that I knew. It was 11:00 on a Friday night. She was only 21 and probably wouldn't be around for hours yet. So I called the airlines and got a flight for the next morning for her to get home. I then called so many police numbers. I kept getting connected to 911 in the Rochester area instead of the getting to the police station. Finally, I was able to talk with an officer that was at the scene. He said there was hunting gear in the car. His thought was that he may have fallen asleep after hunting. The car went off the road and hit a telephone pole. He hadn't been wearing his seatbelt (I still don't understand this...he was the one that got me into the habit of always using one). He was thrown from the car and died instantly. I asked the officer if he thought alcohol was a factor. He said he didn't think so. I still wonder if he was just easing my mind.

And I still wonder what you wanted to tell me when you called me back that morning. It's the one thing in my life I would take back if I could. I wouldn't have hung up that phone.

"Bring It On"

2008-11-06T05:36:00.001-08:00

It's a movie. A cheer leading movie. It's cute enough and has some pretty catchy cheers, one of which I can't seem to get out of my head - "Burn baby burn". What it is not, is a movie suitable for a 3 year old. Especially my 3 year old who remembers everything. And I think I will forever remember this movie as the movie that changed her life. A movie that she should have never watched. Here are just a few reasons why:

* "Mom, what does kick your ass mean"

* "Mom, why her boobs go up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down?" she innocently wonders as she moves her head up and down, up and down, up and down.

* Her constant YELLING and then clapping her hands together saying "READY!? OK! R.Y.L.E.E.D.B.L.T" over and over and over, and did I mention over?, again. At all times of the day and evening. Ugghhhhh

* Her reciting the cheers, wherever we are, "I don't like you! Because we are cheerleaders......something...something.... and they are whores."

Yeah we had to have a few discussions about bad words. But the biggest reason I will forever remember this movie as not the movie for her to have watched, is...well.... now she wants to be a cheerleader. And I know her and I know that this will be in her head for a long, long, long time. Not, of course, that there is anything wrong with cheerleading. It's just that, well, I kind of saw Ry as a soccer, lacrosse, softball, gymnastics, and hockey kind of girl. Not a dance and cheer girl.

But she is good. She's really good, actually. And she makes up her own cheers combining what she watched with songs that she knows with movements that I haven't got a clue where she picked up. And she does it with so much enthusiasm and so much emotion and she ends every cheer with the funniest expression. It's this really cutesy, smirky, quirky, kind of extended wink.

Well, at least I'll get to go to all the football games. In fact, this weekend is the big rivalry game between Drury and Hoosac. I think I'll take her to it on Saturday. She can sit and watch the cheerleaders and I can watch the big game....Go Drury!!!

Worldless Wednesday: American Pride

2008-11-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Halloween & Hockey: I am Still Recovering

2008-11-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

It was such a busy weekend. Ry had a good time sitting on the porch handing out the candy until it was gone. In fact, she had such a good time that she didn't want to go trick or treating after that. She warmed up to the idea after visiting with some friends at the bottom of our road. Then my little Pocahontas was off and running. And Cody collected a good stash of stuff just walking around as the big brother. He's not into Halloween and never really has been. Molly changed at her friend's house and headed out before I got a chance to see her. By the time we met up, I was glad to hear that she didn't walk around and instead handed out candy with her best friend. I know she was supposed to be a fairy but OMG, she was way too grown up in that outfit. Thankfully she decided on her own to go the haunted house party in pajamas instead of her fairy costume.

Saturday was a sports filled day. We left the house at 7:30 in the morning and headed to learn to play hockey so Molly & Cody could help out with the new skaters. The little ones were so cute all dressed up in hockey gear. After that we headed to their soccer game where they both did really really well. Then it was back to the rink so Rylee could watch her "boyfriend" Brandon play his game. He's not on the same team as Molly and Cody this year. A couple of hours later, after feeding the kids lunch, we headed to the rink yet again for a couple of home games. The boys on that team were huge! Molly pretty much stayed clear of them and passed the puck as quickly as she could. At one point, she got checked into the boards. Cody said coach John commented "crunch" after the hit, which cracked me up because that described it perfectly. She was fine.

About 18 or so of us headed to the pizza place to grab supper before we headed back to the rink, yes that would be the 4th time in one day, so the kids could skate Teen Night while us adults chaperoned. It was a mild night because all the kids that showed up were really good kids but we didn't get enough to actually make any money. We broke even but the kids had a good night so it was worth.

Molly and Cody both had an awesome game on Sunday. Cody got a top shelf goal from the blue line that was outstanding. And Molly played her best game of the season getting quite a few shots on goal and another assist. And Rylee took a nap on the bleachers. Which cracks me up because we haven't played at the Brattleboro rink in two years and I have pictures of Rylee sleeping on the bleachers then too.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T11:10:00.001-07:00

I can't stop laughing at this! It is too funny.

Wordless Wednesday: Goofy-Looking Hunter

2008-10-29T08:12:00.001-07:00

Life Lessons

2008-10-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Rylee was still lounging in bed this morning when I was getting ready to take my shower. She told me she wanted to take a shower too so I told her to let me know when she was ready. As I was rinsing the shampoo from my hair, I heard her searching through the drawer that holds all the brushes, barrettes, and hair ties. A few minutes later she informs me that she doesn't need a shower because she just put her hair in a ponytail and "without using the brush". She was so proud.

So the lesson I seemed to have instilled in her at some point along this journey is that the only purpose in a shower is to make your hair look good.

Just. Great.

Wordless Wednesday: I am So Lame Today

2008-10-22T12:50:00.001-07:00

Englightenment on Parenting

2008-10-20T09:49:00.001-07:00

Molly and Cody sometimes can get pretty irritated with Rylee. Rylee is definitely learning how to manipulate and tease and she likes to be the one in control (hmmmm wonder where she gets that -don't look at me!). Well Molly got a little dose of what it is like to be the mom this past weekend. And she can't stop thinking about it. Or stop laughing about it.

The first incident was at the house. Molly wanted Rylee to lay down and watch a movie with her. Rylee had her own agenda. But Molly, being Molly, kept asking her, almost pleading with her to lay down and watch the movie. And then the conversation went something like this:

Rylee: Molly look at me. Look at me right now.

Molly looked at her

Rylee: I said no. No means no. Do understand that?

Molly doesn't answer because she's trying so hard not to laugh.

Rylee: Answer me. Molly answer me right now. Do you know what No means?

Rylee: When I say no, I mean no. It does not mean to keep asking. No means no.

Molly finally answers okay and bursts into laughter. Rylee leaves the room, NOT watching the movie.

Rylee: 1 Molly: 0

The second thing was on Saturday night. Her and Rylee slept over my mother's house. Molly said she was almost asleep when she heard Rylee say "Molly, are you sleeping?". Molly thought about what to say and then decided the best thing would be to pretend she is in fact sleeping and not answer Rylee. So Rylee got close to Molly's face and loudly said "Molly, answer me. Are you sleeping?" To which Molly had no choice but to reply "No".

Rylee: 2 Molly: 0

When Molly told me about that, I had to tell her about what she used to do to me when she was young, and even not so young. Like one time when I was sick and sleeping on the couch while her and Cody played in the living room. She walked up to me and screamed "MOM" just to wake me up. Then I told her that if I was sleeping and Cody noticed. He would go get a blanket and cover me up.

And Molly's response: "Oh. Now that explains EVERYTHING."

Exactly.

Wordless Wednesday: Fall Foliage

2008-10-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

Here are some random shots I took with my cell phone while driving home from hockey late Saturday afternoon. The river is the Deerfield which is my absolute favorite place in the world to hang out with friends and family.

Family Fun, Football, & Of Course Hockey

2008-10-14T09:18:00.001-07:00

That pretty much sums up the weekend. We went to a Friday night high school football game. My friend Michelle has a son on each team so it was fun to root for both kids. I just love watching football, especially under the lights. Rylee had a great time watching the cheerleaders and Molly and her friend had fun checking out all the boys.

Hockey officially started on Saturday. We had two games and then watched our league's PeeWee team play. Cody got defensive player of the game. Molly did well, better than she thought she did. I'll post that story another time but will say now that I am very very proud of her.

Saturday night I took my mother to a benefit dance held for a very good friend of mines father, who has lung cancer. It was good to see everyone and heartwarming to see the community pull together like it did. There were so many people and so many gifts donated for raffles. It was truly amazing. And at the same time very very sad.

Sunday I met my Sheryl for a very long run/walk on the rail trail. It took us 2.5 hours to do 11 miles. Next weekend I want to do in two hours. I was pretty sore but overall felt good. And best of all, I am looking forward to doing it again.

Sunday afternoon we went to Max's football game. He is really learning and getting into the game now. He had two solo tackles and recovered the football. After his game we went to visit my friend Maureen and her family. It was so gorgeous we sat outside and watched the kids play. Later, when it cooled down we went in to watch the Dallas game. It was so exciting and the kids really got into watching it because the score was so close and then went into overtime.

And then Monday we attempted to hike Greylock. Below are pictures of Rylee getting ready for the hike. Yes that is makeup on her face and yes she does have a skirt on. It took some convincing but I finally did get her to change into more suitable hiking attire. After our hike, we went apple picking.

When we were done picking apples, we stopped at Barb and Jeff's to drop off hockey flyers and ended up staying for over an hour. He coaches soccer, in addition to the kids' hockey team, and they were getting ready to leave for a game when he got a phone call that another player wouldn't be there. So he asked Cody and Molly if they wanted to play. So off to a soccer game we went. It was great to see Molly play soccer again. And best of all, she had a great time playing and the two of them are now on the team. They have about 5 more games left. Yeah! Soccer, hockey, dance and gymnastics. Ahhh, I feel like myself again. It's been a long summer!

The Look

2008-10-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

You know the look you give your kids? The one that can instantly stop them in mid punch or mid sentence? The one that lets them know that you are not fooling around? Well I got that look today. And it cracked me up. I could not stop laughing and still find it amusing now, thirty minutes later.

I was dropping Molly and Cody off at school today. I usually do something funny, well something that I think is funny, to jokingly embarrass her. Like yell out the window "Make good choices" (just like Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday) or God Forbid, wave to one of her friends. Eik, the horror! But today, I wasn't trying to embarrass her. I was just doing what she always asks me to do.

As we pulled up to the school she was glad to see two kids she knew and was quick to get out of the truck. In the meantime, Cody opened his door from the front seat and Molly heard the song on the radio that was just starting. I heard her say, "Oh I like that song". So I turned it way up so she could hear it as she walked away. Well apparently that was just sooooo NOT the right thing to do. Her head snapped around so frickin fast I can't believe it is still attached to her neck. And she gave me THE LOOK.

Glad to see I have taught her something useful.

Dessert for Breakfast: Awesome

2008-10-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

I work in the office of dining services and anyone that knows a chef or baker knows that they are only truly happy when they are feeding people. Especially people like myself who LOVE food wayyyyy too much.

I came to work today with the best of intentions. I knew I had an apple on my desk and was planning on eating it for breakfast. I was actually looking forward to hearing the crunching and tasting the sweetness. I even thought about it while driving it this morning. But then....the baker brought over a freshly baked lemon zinger cake! YUM. The apple might as well have been raw liver. There was no way I had the power to eat an apple and be satisfied while that beautiful lemon caked called my name over and over again (not really, I had my bowl and fork waiting before he even set the box down). So I had a healthy (read hearty here) slice of the cake and hopefully the apple will be breakfast tomorrow. Best. of. intentions.

Once I finished every crumb of my slice, I came to the realization that if I am to continue working in this department, I will need to hit the streets and/or gym at 4:30 a.m. so I can get in a full 90 minutes of cardio a day.

Yeah right! Pass me another slice of cake please.

Wordless Wednesday: Sleeping Solutions

2008-10-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

Rylee picked this out of a catalog that came to the house last week. The current sleeping arrangements in my house desperately need revision and this will solve everything. She is such a smarty!

Fall Foliage Weekend

2008-10-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

The first weekend of October is my absolute favorite time of the year. Maybe even more so than Christmas. I never realized it fully until this past Friday. I was getting ready to leave work when someone asked me what I had planned for the weekend. I rattled off a long list of things and as I did, an excitement washed over me.

Fall Foliage in this area is a big thing. It spans over three weekends of activities that satisfy the young through the old. It is a time for socializing, following decade old traditions, and appreciating mother nature.

Besides the spectacular scenery, the first weekend of October also brings the annual Children's Parade on Friday night, the Charity Bed Race on Saturday afternoons, an array of dinner and entertainment options for Saturday evening, and then Sunday is the Fall Foliage Parade. I love walking through the downtown area first thing in the morning. I can feel the excitement of the parade. The spectator stands have been set up on Main Street, the yellow tape has been roped from the trees as an attempt to keep people off the streets, hundreds of people have already set up their chairs or are in the process of doing so, street vendors are beginning to set up their carts, and children are anxiously waiting to see the firetrucks, floats, Shriners' go-carts, and fabulously talented high school marching bands.

The weekend proved to be everything I expected plus more. I had the pleasure of watching a couple of youth football games and the first hockey game of the year! Molly's girls' team beat the IceCats 3-1. She did great. And, best of all, I crashed in on my brother's class' 20 year reunion and was able to catch up with some old friends that I haven't seen in way too many years. Everyone looked great and had an awesome time. I am glad I decided to go.

Wordless Wednesday: Hopes, Dreams & "Yeah Rights"

2008-09-24T13:01:00.001-07:00

A log cabin in the woods

A month long trip to Alaska

Running a marathon

And having this body

The Goodnight Hour

2008-09-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

Trying to get Rylee to sleep has become somewhat of a chore for me lately. Her negotiating, conniving, and procrastinating skills have really developed. What used to be a 10 minute bedtime ritual has quickly become a 60 minute bedtime ritual.

Random list of wants, needs, and demands in no particular order:

* Me asking her to brush her teeth
* Her telling me she doesn't want to do that now but tells me, with her finger pointing and hand on hip, that she will do it in the morning
* Me asking her to get her pajamas on
* Her telling me that it is too hot (yes even with the temp at 40 degrees) for pajamas
* Me asking her to lay down so I can put on her diaper
* Her telling me that she can do it ---- and she does ----- I really should video tape this one day
* Me asking her if she wants me to read her a book or if she wants to watch a movie
* Her telling me that she will read me a book and then we will watch a movie
* After the book OR the movie (yes I do occasionally win battles with a 3 year old), she throws fit which includes crying to the point of a coughing fit
* Her demanding water (I don't even try to win this battle)
* Her settling down
* Her asking (yes asking) me to sing her a song
* Me singing, if you want to call it that, her Hush Little Baby
* Her telling me to sing another song
* Me singing ABC's to her
* Her singing me Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
* Her starting to sing another song
* Me asking and then demanding that she stop

And then the routine circles back to her throwing a fit.

Ahhhhh, the joys.

The Sign Read: Will Work for Food

2008-09-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

Times are tough for a lot of people in this country. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't talk about how hard it is to make ends meet. Health insurance, food costs, heating fuels and gas have so many of us struggling. Basic needs are not being met for so many.

Teachers' assistants in our schools get paid every two weeks. They work 30 hours a week. Their paycheck, for 60 hours of work, providing education and guidance to our children is a measly $8.00 after the cost of family health insurance is deducted. I read that in the paper the other day and I can't stop thinking about it.

Then today I saw something and I had no idea what to do but felt compelled to do something. A man was standing next to his bicycle with a cardboard sign that read "Will Work for Food". Now I don't live in a big city so this is not something you see very often, if ever, around here. The man had two medium sized bags that I am assuming hold all his belongings and sewn to one of the bags was a tiny American flag.

I instantly had tears in my eyes. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to stop and give him money, but I had none to give. I just spent the only money I had left, I put $10 worth of gas in my gas tank. Then I thought, well maybe he can mow my grass and I can give him some food. But I don't have too much in the fridge or the cupboards and I don't get paid until Friday to replenish. So I drove by him, I waved, and I sit here an hour or so later and hope that things somehow work out for him. And wonder what can be done.

Seven Years Ago Today - 9/11

2008-09-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

When I got up this morning, the morning show I listen to was of course talking about 9/11. So naturally the kids and I starting reminiscing about that day. I wondered if they remembered any of it. Molly was in 3rd grade and she said she remembers her class and the 4th grade class all gathering into one room to watch the news. I don't remember her telling me that back then and I wondered if this was the first time I heard it. Cody was in 1st grade and he doesn't remember anything. That surprises me because he was glued to the television set over the course of the following week. He kept watching the footage and asking questions and re-creating the scene with paper Twin Towers that he built. He was absolutely mesmerized by the whole thing. One afternoon when it was just he & I in the car he asked me how old you have to be to go to war. I told him that you could be any age but that you have to be at least 18. After a few minutes of silence I questioned why he asked me that. His response put tears in my eyes "Cuz I'm real good with my gun".

Every person you speak to remembers what they were doing when they heard the horrific news or witnessed it live or on television. I had just started college the week prior to this and I was sitting in my Child Development class when some of the students were talking about what happened. My immediate response was that we would be going to war. Even without knowledge of the Pentagon hit, I never imagined that it was an accident, I immediately assumed it was an attack on us and that we would need to retaliate. And I was filled with an emptiness because of what war would mean. What it would mean to the soldiers and the millions of people that would be affected by it.

My next thoughts were of the people in New York. Later in the day, when I heard of the Pentagon hit, I thought of three very good friends who work in DC and then the dozen or so others that I knew from when I worked there in 1992. Right after Desert Storm. My friends, thankfully, were not hurt physically. Emotionally, for all of us is another story.

911, 9-11, 9/11 No matter how you see it or how you say it, those numbers will be forever etched in our minds.

Wordless Wednesday: My Brave Little Girl

2008-09-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

Rylee has been wanting to get her ears pierced for over a year. I have been the chicken. She finally talked me into it on Sunday, after Max's football game.

My Old Friend

2008-09-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

I had big plans for Saturday night. Our hockey league was having a local comedian perform as a fundraiser and I was looking forward to hanging out with many members of my "2nd family". It was something I had been looking forward to for over a month.

But by Saturday afternoon, I didn't feel much like going. I just felt kinda sluggish and gross. Not a good way to feel prior to a night out. So I visited an old friend. A friend I hadn't seen for more than once a week in over a month. A friend I really, really needed.

That friend was the gym! I needed a hard and sweaty workout. So I chose to run on the treadmill. I did pretty good too, considering. And I am happy to report that I had a great night. The comedian was so so funny and then we danced and laughed and laughed while we danced. It was awesome. And I am even happier to report that I have made the effort to regain my daily habit of starting the morning with a good workout.

My Affair with Country Music

2008-09-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Music was not a big part of my early childhood. I can't tell you what my parents' favorite songs or bands were (except that my mom loved Paul not John) and the only time they listened to the radio was on Saturday mornings so they could catch the Trading Post.

But I do remember that someone had given them a tape player. You know, an 8 track tape player. Do you remember those? Whoever gave it to them also gave them three tapes: Dolly Parton, Kenny Rodgers, and Queen. I remember my brother and I playing them over and over and over again. I could probably still sing along to any of the songs on those tapes. Dolly Parton had a really sad song about a girl dying and Kenny Rodgers had two songs that really stood out. One 'Don't take your love to town' was about an injured soldier coming home to his cheating wife and the other was Ruben James about a colored man that was discriminated against.

Those were my first memories of country music. A few years after high school, just before I was moving to D.C. my best friend and I started hanging around with some older redneck type guys and their families and all they listened to was country music. The night before my last day at work we partied all night over in New York and 'There's a Tear in My Beer' by Hank Williams kept playing on the juke box. I think of that night every time I hear that song or his name.

I never really listened to it again until 1991 or so when Garth Brooks was getting hot. A trip to South Dakota made me a country music fan and that was all I ever played on the radio (unlike my parents, I always have radios playing). Garth Brooks was my favorite. His 'Friends in Low Places' song played continuously. Here are some of the lyrics to it:

'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places

I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
And everything is alright
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait 'til I finish this glass
Then sweet little lady
I'll head back to the bar
And you can kiss my ass

Whenever I hear that song I think back to two specific instances in my life: 1. my brother, mother and I dancing arm and arm together and belting out the words at my wedding; and 2. my friend Bob playing one part over and over again so we could hear the sound of a beer can opening between one of the verses (he was right, but he would know).

I like country music because you can always understand what the words are that are being sung and you can always relate to the story somehow. When I was pregnant for Molly, my first child, tears would stream down my face every time I heard Tim McGraw's 'Don't Take the Girl'. This verse would put me over the edge

Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Five years down the road
There's gonna be a little one and she
says it's time to go.
Doctor says the baby's fine
but you'll have to leave
'Cause his momma's fading fast and
Johnny hit his knees and there he prayed
"Take the very breath you gave me.
Take the heart from my chest.
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me,
make this my last request.
Take me out of this world
God, please don't take the girl"

Once, my sister, my co-worker/friend and I were driving into D.C. to go to work and this song came on. All three of us went silent and at the end of the song we burst into laughter when we looked at each other because all three of us were crying. Crying!

That is why I go through stages of when I can listen to country music and when I can't. If I have something sad going on in my life, I stay away from WGNA and all things country. It's just too hard to heal if you are surrounded by so much sadness. After my brother's death, it took me about 6 years before I could listen to it again. And then there were a whole new batch of artists and songs. Really funny songs like this one:

And I’m feedin’ the dog, sackin’ the trash

Its’ honey do this, honey do that

I sobered up and I got to thinkin’

Girl, you ain’t much fun since I quit drinkin’

And this one:

Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

And songs that bring me back to high school weekends:

Every Friday night there's a steady cloud of dust
That leads back to a field filled with pickup trucks
Got old Hank cranking way up loud
Got coolers in the back
Tailgates down
There's a big fire burnin' but don't be alarmed
It's just country boys and girls gettin' down on the farm

And:

Well we grew up down by the railroad tracks
Shootin' b.b.'s at old beer cans
Chokin' on the smoke from a lucky strike
Somebody lifted off of his old man
We were football flunkies
Southern rock junkies
Crankin' up the stereo
Singin' loud and proud to gimme three steps
Simple Man, and Curtis Lowe
We were good you know

And songs that make you love more than you ever thought you could. Love for your country:

Now this nation that I love
Has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flying in
From somewhere in the back
Soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world
Like the 4th of July

Hey Uncle Sam
Put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty
Started shaking her fist
And the eagle will fly
And there's gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringing her bell
And itll feel like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Ahhh Brought to you Courtesy of the Red White and Blue

Love for your favorite hangout:

We got winners, we got losers
Chain smokers and boozers
And we got yuppies, we got bikers
We got thirsty hitchhikers
And the girls next door dress up like movie stars

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

Love for the things in your life:

Just the other night at a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be

She was the one that I'd wanted for all times
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then
I'd never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

And the love for the one that amazes you or the one that you amaze:

Every Time Our Eyes Meet,
There Is A Feelin Inside Me
It’s Almost More Than I Can Take
Baby When You Touch Me
I Can Feel How Much You Love Me
And It Just Blows Me Away
I’ve Never Been This Close To Anyone
Or Anything
I Can Hear your Thoughts, I Can See Your Dreams

I Dunno How You Do What You Do
I’m So In Love With You
It Just Keeps Getting Better
I Wanna Spend The Rest Of My life
With You By My Side
For Ever and Ever
Every Little Thing That You Do
Baby I’m Amazed By You

And then there are the songs that seem to be written, some say, with you in mind (me feigning innocence here):

She said I'm going out with my girlfriends
Margaritas at the Holiday Inn
Oh have mercy my only thought
Was tequila makes her clothes fall off
I told her put an extra layer on
I know what happens when she drinks Patron
Her closets missing half the things she bought
Yeah tequila makes her clothes fall off

She'll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink
Them panty hose ain't gonna last too long
If the DJ puts Bon Jovi on
She might come home in a tablecloth
Yeah tequila makes her clothes fall off

She can handle any champagne brunch
A bridal shower with Bacardi punch
Jello shooters full of Smirnoff
But tequila makes her clothes fall off

After Rylee's dad and I broke up last year, I once again stopped listening to country music. That was right about the time that the kids started liking their own genre of music and so I came to know and like the popular music of today. Rihanna, Nickelback, Pink, etc. It's fun and light and easy to move along to. Every once in while, when the kids weren't hogging the radio station, or when the station wasn't coming in clearly, I would hit # 4 on my radio to see what was playing on WGNA. It was always something like this:

He said: "Just think it over, and write me a list,
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.

She reached across the table an' placed it in his hand,
An' said: "You know this isn't easy for me."
As he thought about the new car, the house an' the land,
An' wondered what that bottom line would be.
An' a thousand other things that she'd want him to leave behind,
But he never dreamed he'd open up that napkin and find

"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

That quickly had me switching back. I just wasn't ready yet.

Yet.

But I discovered something recently.

I discovered that I am ready now. Not just a little ready, but really ready. Ready to listen to country music again.

And this is the song that brought me back:

The declaration of independence
Think I can tell you that first sentence
But then I'm lost
I can't begin to count the theories
I had pounded in my head that I forgot
I don't remember all that spanish
Or the gettysburg address
But there is one speech from high school
I'll never forgot

Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me 'bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl and her mama's world
She deserves respect, that's what she'll get, ain't it son
Now y'all run along and have some fun
I'll see you when you get back
Bet I'll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun

Well now that I'm a father
I'm scared to death one day my daughter's gonna find
That teenage boy I used to be
Who seems to have just one thing on his mind
She's growing up so fast it won't be long
'fore I'll have to put the fear of god
Into some kid at the door

It just cracked me up. I love it.

The problem is, now there may be some fighting over the radio. But I can handle that too!

Former 90210 Junkie

2008-09-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

I will admit that Beverly Hills 90120 was must-see TV for me during its run many years ago. It was like sweet pain for me. I would have to see it, week after week, year after year, but then while watching I would beat myself up for wasting my time. The acting was always horrendous, the chemistry between characters was laughable, and Andrea was always called Aundrea which drove me crazy. And what was up with the characters...Brenda overreacted (and overacted) everything, Donna was supposedly a virgin but after her real-life implants she wore the sluttiest outfits, Dylan's head was always tilted to one side which made me want to slap it back into place, Kelly was the worst friend you could ever have, and Andrea just plain irritated me. Just looking at her irritated me.

Yet, there I was, continuously being drawn into everything 90210. Well, not everything, it's not like a bought a Brenda doll after all. But I did follow all the Shannon drama printed in the tabloids and soaked up all the entertainment news for all of them. And I I even felt an ache in my heart during the high school graduation episode.

I have been without television since 2001. I have not had must see TV for years. But something happened this summer. I could feel myself being drawn to something. Every time I logged onto Yahoo, or stood in line at the grocery store, I saw the pictures and I read the articles. 90210 was coming back! I didn't realize how big that draw was until last night, at about 8:05 pm. At some point yesterday I heard or read that the new version of 90210 was premiering on CW at 8:00 pm. I didn't consciously think anything of it. Then when I was at the grocery store I automatically picked up the newest issue of US Magazine which had Shannon Doherty on the cover.

After the kids were settled, which was surprisingly early last night, I started flipping through the magazine. And I couldn't focus on anything because I kept wondering how Brenda and Kelly's characters were going to be worked into the new series. And what have they been up to the past 10 years. After about 10 minutes, I told Molly that I was going to Grandma's house for an hour or so and to call me if they needed anything. And then I rushed over to catch up with my old "friends".

And I am very happy to say, that aside from the very hunky Rob Estes, there is nothing about this show that will have me rushing over to my mother's house again. I am not sure if this means that I have outgrown it or that it was that bad but needless to say, I am no longer a 90210 junkie...... Til they bring back more of the old characters that I love to hate!

Wordless Wednesday: Are you Ready for Some Football?

2008-09-03T07:17:00.001-07:00

Rylee enjoying her brother's football jamboree on Labor Day.

Kids....You Gotta Luv Em

2008-08-26T04:16:00.000-07:00

Rylee was sitting next to me on the couch actually letting me read to her when out of nowhere she pats my belly. It was like she had never seen it before. She was amazed by it and kept looking at it from different angles. As I am looking at her looking at me I'm wondering what is going through her 3 year old head. And then, as all 3 year olds do, she said what was going on in her head. "You got a baby in your belly?" "Uhhhh Nooooo" I answered. But I couldn't help but laugh because she was so serious.

This brought back memories of comments from all three of the kids:

"You have a little belly and a big belly?" Rylee upon coming eye to 'little belly' contact with me in my workout pants.

"Mommy, you have a belly like Santa Claus. I love your belly" Molly patting my belly when she was about 3.

"Your bum starts waaaaayyyyyy up here (presses the small of my back ---- yes i wrote back) and ends waaaaayyyyy down here (presses against back of my thighs). Again Molly, probably a week or so after the Santa Claus comment.

"I love your legs, they are just like fluffly pillows" Cody while settling in for a little nap on my lap, I'd say he was about 3. I'm seeing a pattern here.

"Mom, at least you have 6 pack legs" Molly after riding her bike behind me while I was running with Rylee in the jogger. "Uhhhhh thanks Molly but that would be CELLULITE". She was trying to make me feel good because Cody had just explained to her what 6 pack abs were and when she asked me if I had 6 pack abs I laughed and said no.

Ahhhh the joys of motherhood. I have to go now. Time to do some situps and leg lifts. LOL

River Shots

2008-08-24T19:16:00.001-07:00

Pictures from the river. The kids going down the "falls" and horsing around in the water.

Archery Shots

2008-08-24T19:02:00.001-07:00

Archery in Stamford. Cody and I shooting and then some pictures of Molly and Rylee enjoying themselves along the way.

I love this shot of Rylee. She's such a princess. Definately not attire normally worn for a hike through the woods!

Time to say Goodbye to the Weekend

2008-08-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

Weekends are usually jam packed for me. Sometimes, I look forward to the work week because the weekends are so so busy. Especially during the kids' sports that over-ride each other. Like when soccer is overlapping with hockey or when lacrosse starts and hockey is winding down. Summers, from July through August, are typically our "slow" time. That is to say that there is generally only one or two things scheduled. This weekend was all about enjoyment. And some self-reflection and appreciation.

Weekend at a glance:

Friday night school shopping with Molly and her best friend. I really did well, biting my tongue when she was picking out things she didn't need and paying too much for a wallet (it is her money after all) but my tongue would have come off if I didn't stop chewing on it when she walked out of Hollisters with 3 shirts and a sweater and no money left. Sweater $39.99. Two short sleeve t-shirt (that were so thin I don't even feel right calling them t-shirts) $24.99 EACH. Long sleeve t-shirt $34.99. That put me over the edge. I marched my fat ass back in that store with the bag and the receipt and came back out with her money. I did let her keep the sweater but WTF!!!

Street hockey on Saturday morning. The games were very close and very competitive. My highlight ----- one 12 year old boy yelled "Jesus Christ" while getting roughed up protecting the goal. I was keeping score and said "Hey there D, no swearing". He stopped right in the middle of the play, looked at me with honest to goodness confusion and responded "Jesus Christ is a swear?" OMG too funny.

Boating on Saturday afternoon and into the early evening. So. Much. Fun. Who knew sitting in the middle of a lake tied up to two other boats could be so much fun? Rylee loved it and Molly was such a fish. She spent the majority of the time in the water instead of on the boat. My friends got a kick out of the two of them and how good they are. No crying or whining or annoying anyone. They are fun to have around!

Picked up Cody on Saturday night. He had so much fun on vacation with our friends. They totally spoiled him. He went to the water park, he went para-sailing 800 ft above the water, he played laser tag, and they stayed in a 4 level condo that was right on the beach. He was so happy to see all of us and we were happy to see him too. It was a long week without him but so worth it.

Archery on Sunday morning. I couldn't get the kids up and out by 8:00 so we missed shooting the course with some friends but we still had a good time. Cody's bow just got fixed so it took a few adjustments and a little while to get him shooting in groups again and the practice shots for me were all over the place but I didn't take the time to make any adjustments. And then, right before we were heading out to the course Rylee's dad came out of the woods after finishing the first half. Archery was something we used to do every summer and I have to admit the first couple of times I went last summer were a little hard on me emotionally. This year I have been fine with it but I did get a little shook up the first time a few weeks ago that he was on the same course as me. It took me until about the 6th target to finally calm down and then I've been fine ever since. Til today when he was with HER at archery. My head started swirling: I mean archery is my thing not hers. Her thing is horses and it does not bother me in the least when they take Rylee to a horse show or whatever but why, I was thinking, does he have to bring her here???? So my feathers were ruffled the first half of the course but then I calmed down like I always do and by the time I met up with them so Rylee could leave I was absolutely fine. HER and I talked about the kids and work and some other things and everything was back to normal. In retrospect, I realize that I just need baby steps sometimes. So now when she goes to archery I'll be fine. Til she starts shooting, and then I will need a little time to absorb that and then I will fine again. It just takes time. And she's a good person and I'm a good person and he is even a good person and it all works out eventually. So now I feel good and strong and I shot SO much better the second half of the course, which is all I wanted to do.

It was such a warm and beautiful day so after archery we decided that we would go swimming. Since we didn't have Rylee we could go in the river instead of the pond so we grabbed a couple of the kids' friends and we headed over to the Green River. They had a ball floating through the rocks and down the river and then challenging themselves by swimming against the current. At first I was sitting up on the hill relaxing and listening to their screams of fun. And first Molly and then Cody came up to see when I was going to jump in with them. So I went down the hill and waded into the river and soon I was swimming against the current too and Cody was showing me how to do the doggy paddle the right way (who knew there was a wrong way?!) and their friends came up and they started showing me how they go down through the rocks. It was fun and I felt like a kid myself. After a little while I was standing on a rock watching them and I thought "Damn I am so lucky in so many ways". First, the river was absolutely beautiful and so refreshing and I'll bet there are so many people that could never get to enjoy that kind of experience. We live in such an awesome place in the country and I just love it so much. Second, the kids are 14 and 12 and they still want me around some of the time. It dawned on me when they were so glad that I came down to jump in with them. Every one of them couldn't wait to show me something they tried and then wanted me to try it too. Third, I have some really really great friends. I know that all the time but it really hit me today because the weekend was so good because of all of my friends who just take such good care of me and my kids.

No Chicken Here

2008-08-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

I did it. I did it and I can't believe I did it. 8 1/2 inches donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. There's a story and some history about this that I may share sometime soon. Not today because we are off to the lake to go boating and swimming and RELAXING!!!